Not All Cops Are Heroes: Deal With It!

Not all cops are bad and grab their dicks while shooting black teenagers. Likewise, not all doctors cut off the wrong limb during amputation surgeries. However, when you have a fuck-up for a doctor, he will probably face a lawsuit and lose his license; end of story. And you probably don’t see national public outrage about it. That doesn’t seem to be the case for fuck-up cops though, and yet they’re shocked…SHOCKED when there’s public outrage about them fucking up without being held accountable. Recently another cop, Lisa Mearkle, got away with murder and spoiler alert, she was acquitted. (Side note: This time the victim was a white man, so the #AllLivesMatter dipshits are speechless.)

What baffles me, are the people that come to the defense of these assholes who abuse their power. I don’t understand the line of reasoning that if you believe a cop should be accountable for their actions, you somehow hate all cops. Why is everything so black and white for you tunnel-visioned morons? It’s not like despising cops who abuse their power means we want to round them all up into camps and detain them indefinitely. That was so 1940s, and we only reserve that level of extreme ignorance for whatever flavor of the human race we’re feeling xenophobic for at the moment; not our dear hero cops. Those of us who can see things for what they are, realize that not every cop in the USA is an evil villain. But, when they are bad, and they DO commit crimes, why can’t they be held accountable like anyone else? Let me repeat that question for emphasis, and PLEASE give me a specific answer:

When a cop commits a crime, why can’t he or she be held accountable like everyone else?

I’m waiting in suspense to find out why I’m the liberal asshole who wants to turn the USA into socialist f–….f–….FUCKING FRANCE because I think justice should be served to those who commit crimes against other humans.

I’m sure those who disagree with me have a list of stupid rebuttals lined up to deflect from my question, so I have addressed them below:


“Why does the media always have to make cops out to be the bad guys? Why doesn’t the LIBERAL media ever focus on the cop who bought the homeless man a hot dog in Who-Gives-A-Fuck, USA?”

Probably for the same reason why a cop would focus on the armed robber of a convenience store rather than the dude who threw his change into the give a penny take a penny tray. One is a problem that needs a solution, the other is not. Get it?

“Now, any time a cop justifiably uses force, he has to worry about social justice warriors on the internet getting him fired.” 

Or…..Maybe he only has to worry about getting fired when video taped using excessive force. I love how it’s somehow the “libtards” on social media’s fault for giving cops a bad reputation when a cop is caught on video abusing their power.

“Don’t complain when you need them, and they’re not there to help.” 

Yep, nailed it! And when my friend gets a DUI and loses his license I guess I shouldn’t ask for a ride to the airport from any of my other friends.

“A black man raped and killed a girl. Where’s the public outrage for THAT?”

Yeah, because I’m sure he was acquitted of all charges and is sitting at home sharing the Eric Garner video and flaming cops on the internet this very moment.

“If you don’t want to get shot like a criminal, then maybe you shouldn’t run like a criminal.”

Oh, sorry. I didn’t know our entire police force was comprised of the fucking T-Rex species from Jurrasic Park. Does movement trigger the hunt for them? And let’s say the “criminals” ran and got away. WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Unless they just committed mass murder, was whatever petty bullshit crime they just committed punishable by death? And for those of you tunnel-visioned dipshits, I’m not talking about the Tsarnaev brothers, or someone who pretends to be armed, or someone who is combative. I’m talking about the David Kassicks, Eric Garners, Israel Hernadez-Llaches, Zachary Hammonds, Michael Browns, and John Crawfords….to name just a few…Ok, maybe Michael Brown doesn’t belong on that list. We all know he became the incredible black hulk and pulled a 6’4 cop out of his car window after the cop politely asked Michael to ambulate onto the beautiful sidewalk next to the street.

So yeah, I have the capability of hating the cops who commit crimes while also maintaining a mental capacity to understand that there are a lot of good cops out there who do noble work. The fact that one upsets me and gets my attention does not preclude me from appreciating the other. I can even go to a restaurant and determine that their food is shit without hating every restaurant on the planet!


So far I’ve only scratched the surface, focusing on the serious shit of killing an unarmed citizen. For more reading about why citizens get annoyed by cops who abuse their power, please read one of my favorite asshole’s articles below:

A Message to Cops by Maddox

Every Argument You Have Against Better Gun Control Is Stupid

Disclaimer: This is a living post, that I will continue to update as I encounter more stupidity on the topic. 

Guess what season it is. It’s mass shooting season! That’s right. It’s been how many months since our last mass shooting to hit the news? And as always, social media erupts in a shit storm between people thinking, ‘Hmm maybe we have a fucking problem’ versus people who absolutely will not allow any reason to enter their heads when it comes to being more responsible about how guns are sold in the US. It really blows my fucking mind how people willfully ignore reason and cling to an object that serves ZERO purpose other than to harm life. I don’t think it’s possible to round up all the guns in the country the way Donald Trump would round up illegal immigrants, but I do think we could pull our heads out of our asses and figure out a way to make mass murder less opportunistic.

But, that’s never going to happen. We can’t make any progress on the issue of gun violence in this country because the amount of stupidity that we have to reason with is so draining that we just give up and quit the discussion until the next mass shooting hits the media. It’s like those shitty contestants on American Idol who think they’re amazing and argue with the judges. There’s no reasoning with them, and they’ve built a bubble around themselves to prevent any helpful logic from sinking in. It’s the same with the gun debate. You can’t even get to a real discussion because you’re too busy trying to make dumb fucks see why they’re dumb as fuck on this topic. So, I think I’m just going to write all their stupid arguments in one place (here), and then copy/paste this link for future discussions. I’ll even number it, so we can easily tell dumb fucks what line item to reference in the link.

So, without further ado…

1. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.
Oh yes, because all mass shootings involve an asshole running around pointing his finger at people screaming PEW PEW PEW before pointing his finger to his own head and ending his life. Maybe math could help with this one. Think of the following equation:

A + B = C
Where A equals people, B equals guns, and C equals mass shootings. 

Do you get C when you remove either A or B? No? Then shut the fuck up with this oversimplified statement that does not speak to the issue.

A word of caution to my fellow rational thinking friends out there who try to have intelligent conversations about guns; beware of using this simple equation to prove your point, because it will most likely lead you to the next stupid argument…

2. If people want to kill, they’re just going to find a way to kill others regardless.
Oh, well fuck it, let’s just put bombs, grenades, and missiles on the market then. I mean killers gonna kill anyways, right? No shit, a gun nut said that missiles were illegal because they could wipe out a large amount of people. You mean…the government thought it was a bad idea to just let any asshole on the street purchase something that could easily kill a large amount of people, and made it illegal?!

A lot of people like to bring up terrorists such as the ones from 9/11, and Timothy McVeigh. “They didn’t use guns!”. I’ll do the work for you, and grab some stats:

Any guesses as to why the death from terrorism in the past 44 years is less than half the number of deaths by guns in the year 2015 alone? Could it be that one is easier and more accessible than the other?




You might hear about how a knife or a car can be more deadly. Yeah, ok. That’s why there has been so many mass knifings, and people driving their cars through the hallways of schools to run over school children.

3. A pressure cooker was used in the Boston Marathon bombing, why don’t we regulate pressure cookers?
Maybe when pressure cookers kill over 30,000 Americans each year, we can begin to take a serious look at regulating them. And if you pulled your head out of your ass and thought about it, the Tsarnaev brothers could have killed way more people if they started unloading rounds into the crowd rather than using a set it and forget it pressure cooker.

4. In the UK, where guns are banned, violent crimes are more common than in America.
Naturally my bullshit meter piqued when I saw this and admittedly I had to do some research. The UK has the collective personality of a goddamn Tree Ent from Lord of the Rings, and yet these right wing dipshits in the US spew “facts” about how the UK’s streets are pretty much a reenactment of The Cornucopia Bloodbath. And on the surface, it would appear they’re right, that is, until you read the difference between how the UK defines violent crime and the US defines it:

United Kingdom:

“Violent crime contains a wide range of offences, from minor assaults such as pushing and shoving that result in no physical harm through to serious incidents of wounding and murder. Around a half of violent incidents identified by both BCS and police statistics involve no injury to the victim.”(THOSB – CEW, page 17, paragraph 1.)

United States:

“In the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program, violent crime is composed of four offenses: murder and nonnegligent manslaughter, forcible rape, robbery, and aggravated assault. Violent crimes are defined in the UCR Program as those offenses which involve force or threat of force.”  (FBI – CUS – Violent Crime)

No shit, the UK is including pushing and shoving as violent crime and that’s being compared to things like murder, rape, and manslaughter in the US by the right wing.

Note: Thank you to this blogger for doing the research on this, and listing the sources. 

5. But cars kill more people. Should we ban cars?
First of all. I have to go through way more shit to ensure I’m a safe driver and obtain a license than a redneck asshole does to get a gun in the south. Secondly, cars offer a utility that helps our society thrive. What do guns offer exactly? (Hold that thought gun nut. I’ll address that in the next bullet.)

You might hear about how cars kill more people than guns do. Yeah, no shit. They’re called car accidents. And so what? That’s a problem too that requires its own solution, and has nothing to do with the discussion of gun violence. Some of us have the capacity to understand there are multiple problems existing in the world, and not having an immediate solution for one doesn’t preclude us from coming up with a solution for the other.

6. We need guns to protect ourselves from the criminals who get them illegally.
I think our society can be a tad bit more sophisticated and not have to arm every citizen against its own citizens. If I want to live in a place where I have to worry about defending myself every time I walk out into the street, I’ll move to the West Bank. Furthermore, based on this study by the Violence Policy Center, for every one “justifiable homicide” there are 34 criminal homicides, 78 suicides, and 2 accidental deaths in 2012,s o you’re much more likely to fuck up and hurt someone by having a gun in your home than actually needing a gun for self defense.

“I don’t want to live where only the criminals own the guns.” Oh, but wait. Weren’t you arguing about how much deadlier knives and pressure cookers were earlier. You’re not defenseless. Shank that bitch. You’ll win every time!

Sarcasm aside, most people don’t think it is practical to ban all guns. Most people who argue for gun control want responsibility on the part of the sellers, and yet it’s being made out like we’re asking to arm criminals and handicap law abiding murkins.

7. It’s my right!
Here’s the exact wording of the Second Amendment (I’m not even going to get into the historical context in which it was written vs today’s context).

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Soooooo, did the words ‘well regulated’ get blasted out of the Constitution from a nearby shooting? Would our forefathers really take issue with us being more responsible in how we sell guns?

8. The real issue is mental illness.
I agree wholeheartedly that mental illness is completely ignored in this country, and we are drastically ignorant and intolerant of it. However, let’s make sure the patient is released from the hospital early due to lack of insurance, treated like an outcast, jumps through hoops to get helpful prescriptions, oh and by the way, who gives a fuck if we sell them a gun. Maybe it might be worth making guns less accessible to them until we have a grasp on how to take care of people with mental illness? Is it really THAT unreasonable to deny people with histories of violence and mental illness the right to buy a gun?

I also love how the conservatives are suddenly concerned about the well being of the mentally ill when they continually want to shit on the “takers”, repeal The Affordable Care Act, and defund any program that might actually help people who are mentally ill.

So, that’s my list for now. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any other stupid arguments against gun control you want me to write about. I’ve only scratched the surface, but I need to take a break.

Don’t have the right words for your relationshit? Robyn’s gotch u!

I feel like Robyn is not a human being, but a manifestation of the collective single gay men’s consciousness. She literally has a song for every dating scenario you could encounter.

Sometimes you meet someone who only appeals to one aspect of what you’re looking for, and everything else is shit. I don’t know how this is possible, but some people are amazing in bed, and then as soon as the deed is done you find yourself running out of the house screaming, because his boringness just burst into the room and caught him cheating with you. Or, it could be the opposite. I’ve met some people who could carry a conversation and make me laugh all night, but then as soon as it’s time to get it on, they start doing some stupid shit, like kissing you as if they were a fucking guppy. Seriously. Who the fuck kisses with only their lips pecking open and closed???  Should I just dunk your head in a bucket of water, since breathing on land is making you gasp for air? I digress… The problem is you’re half interested in this person, and they don’t realize it. They might send you texts like, “I look forward to seeing where things go between us”, or “I’m so lucky to have met you”, or “What would you call us?”.  Don’t know how to respond? Well, fear not. Robyn has just the song for you!

Ever had a steamy affair with someone, and just knew in your heart you were THE ONE? Clearly fate destined you two to be together, but somehow the timelines of when you crossed paths got jumbled up with this other person in the way, whom you’ve never met. You keep getting promises that they will break up, but now’s not the right time. Clearly you haven’t read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt (read the book; don’t watch the movie). YOU KNOW (stupidly) that he loves you more, and he just needs a little extra advice and gentle encouragement from you to help him start his life together with you instead. Whatever do you say? Don’t worry. Robyn’s got a song for that!

You might want to find the audio version of that song. Your boo-thang is not going to be able to unsee those pants or dance moves after watching the video.

Ok, so maybe your steamy affair didn’t work out, and you were the one who got dumped. Or, maybe someone read this blog post and sent you “Hang With Me“. OOOOR fuck!!! Someone sent your boyfriend “Call Your Girlfriend” and he just told you it’s not your fault. But, he just met somebody new and he tells you not to get upset, second-guessing everything you’ve said and dooooone…Shit now the song is stuck in my head, and I have to listen to it again… Anyway, you just got dumped, and now you see this asshole out and about with his new beau who he dumped you for. Robyn understands. She made this for you:

And finally, my favorite of them all. You met that new hottie and you KNOW that he is THE one. You can’t stop texting each other, and when you finally do meet up, you feel like you could die the next day and truly lived your life. Excuse me one moment. I think I just wrote some “Twilight” shit. I’m going to hook electrodes to my  most sensitive areas, and read the books now to associate those stories with a negative experience. Every relationshit you’ve had up until this point has been a complete fuck-up. And now, you’re not going to let any of that ruin this moment. You’re indestructible! Robyn understands…

OMG Why are you alone? Let me introduce you to this really cute guy!

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage for the entire country. Since that unleashed a gay fuck-wave across the nation, JUST LIKE THE CONSERVATIVES SAID IT WOULD, I decided to join my kind for the night to see if I could meet my special someone on this historic night. Not really. I was going to head home after dinner with a couple of my BFFs, but then I heard amazing dance music, and thought, eh, I’ll go to the local joint and shake my ass for a bit.

For me, I don’t really like going to clubs to meet people. I’m weird in the fact that I usually like to go by myself and dance in a crowd of strangers. There is something about sharing in the collective energy of whatever awesome song is pumping that gives me a thrill. My ideal night out would ultimately look something like this (minus Neo and Trinity fucking in a cave above us):

I got there kind of early, so there was this awkward stage where I’m standing around waiting for the crowd to come in. I picked a quiet spot to stand and mind my own fucking business.


“OMG! Why are you here hiding by yourself?”

“I’m just hanging for a bit, waiting for the dance floor to fill up.”

“Are you here with someone?”


(gasp) “Honey, what are you looking for? I’ll introduce you to people and help you find a man.”

Fuck. “I’m not really looking for anything. I just came here to hang for the hell of it…Seriously.”

“Oh, you have to meet my cute friend, and he’s single too! Hold on, let me go find him.”

The trannie swooshes away, and like the annoying bird that she is, she comes back with a worm dangling from her beak. Literally. This dude looked like a worm.

Here’s the thing. I’m a shallow bitch. I know this about myself. There are three people on earth I’m attracted to right now – the hot Brazilian that lives 723 feet away from me (+/- 30 ft accuracy), Dorian Pavus, and Marlon Teixeira:

Ok, Marlon’s a bit extreme, but I needed an excuse to look at him and link his photo into my blog.

So, it’s incredibly fucking over-the-top annoying when someone tries to hook me up with a friend of theirs. In fact, it’s flat out rude, because a) you’re making the assumption that I need saving when I don’t, and b) you’re assuming that you know what my incredibly personal tastes are in men. Do you go around spraying people with cologne you think they’ll like? Do you order someone a drink without asking them what they want? Do you just start painting someone’s house in what you think is their favorite color? No? Then fuck off, and don’t just assume you found the perfect match for me, when I’ve never even met or seen this person. It’s also rude to your friend. What if he wasn’t into me at all. Now he’s thrown into a situation he doesn’t want to be in either. I also find it degrading when people think that if I get thrown into a cage with their friend we’ll just start sniffing and mounting each other’s asses like dogs.

The dude started off nice, and we chatted for a bit, but I was not attracted to him at all. After the initial pleasantries, I was over it, but he kept lingering. Great, now I have to figure out a way to communicate I’m not interested without being a dick. I told him I was going to meet up with some friends on the dance floor. Nope. Didn’t work. He followed me out there. Tried to keep a hula hoop distance between us while dancing. Nope. Didn’t work. Finally met a familiar face I could talk to, and divert attention. Worked for a little bit, but ended up back-firing (I’ll get to that later).

In the meantime…

This girl approaches me and asks if I’m by myself. You’d think I learned my lesson by now and would just lie and say I have a BF, but nope, I’m a dumb shit.

“Oh, I have a friend over there that is adorable and single. I think you guys would make a cute couple.”

Seriously, what is making me a shit-magnet for all the saviors tonight? Do I have Carrie Bradshaw’s diary scrolling in a thought bubble over my head? I give a weak hint that I’m not interested, “I’m just hanging tonight with some friends.”

“My friend is really cute, he plays rugby.”

OOOOH! Why didn’t you say so? Let me just grab my ankles now. Thankfully, this chick had some modicum of emotional intelligence and finally picked up I wasn’t interested, and left me alone.

I dance for a few more songs. Meanwhile wormy dude is dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld while eye-fucking me. He goes for kiss one, and I dodge it. Goes for kiss two, and I dodge it as well. Finally, I have to gently push him away, and I tell him I need to head out. DUDE IS STILL CLUELESS, and tells me how much he enjoyed our night together. I give him the cold two pats on the back hug, and I’m just about to leave, when my acquaintance jumps in and says, “Hey, did you get each other’s numbers.”

My face…

I finally escaped. As I’m walking out the door, the trannie makes eye contact and tries to wave me down. I might or might not have run out of the club like I just robbed a bank…

~~~My Social Edict~~~

NEVER try to hook your friend up with someone on the fly. Ten times out of ten, it just leads to an awkward situation for your friend and the person you’re introducing him to. I am not saying you can’t introduce friends you think might be a match. That is fine when you do it in the correct way. How do you do it correctly? You don’t set the expectation for a date, or that you think they will be interested in one another. You invite the two to the same event or the same space, and introduce them as your mutual friend like you would with any other friend of yours. From there, if they’re a match, guess what? It will happen. If they’re not, then they probably won’t bother with each other, and there won’t have to be this awkward discussion about there not being a mutual interest. And for fuck’s sake, get off your high horse and get over your savior complex if you have one.

Brace Yourselves: Grocery Shopping Rant is Coming

I hate grocery shopping. I don’t think there is one aspect of the entire process that doesn’t piss me off in some way. It also involves two other things that annoy me, people and cooking. Here’s just a small list of things I’d rather do with my life at any given moment instead of grocery shopping:

  • anything.

I know some righteous people out there might be thinking, OMG first world problems. But whatever, you’re probably not out actively finding the solution to world hunger either, so here’s my rant about grocery shopping.

I pretty much get pissed off the moment I drive into the parking lot. It fucking amazes me the shit people will go through to park closer to the store. I’ve seen assholes block traffic waiting for someone’s parking spot while they unpack a huge shopping cart full of shit for upwards of a good five minutes. Sometimes I wish I drove a big-ass truck I didn’t give a shit about so I could plow it into the back of their fucking car and push them into a large heavy object, preferably another asshole blocking the entrance to the store with their hazard lights on. Furthermore, the person who is unloading their groceries into the trunk of their car suddenly realizes, “Oh! Someone’s waiting for me? Let me just take my fucking sweet time and make sure I dick around as much as possible.” I make a point of revving my engine as I drive past these assholes–that will show them! I park in the furthest parking spot, and I give them my “Hey look at me walking into the store before you did, even though I parked 100 feet further away, asshole” look.

So now I’m in the store, already annoyed. I usually have a simple shopping list of milk, bread, and possibly deli meat. I go to the deli line, and it’s backed up because some bitch wants to sample every fucking meat they have to offer before making up her mind on what she wants. It’s goddamn ham! What do you think it could possibly taste like other than ham?! Yes, the Boar’s Head is going to taste better than the Tastee brand that the store shits out. Why else would it cost $1 more per pound? When one of these ass-tards is holding up the deli line, I usually just say fuck it and buy prepackaged deli meat.

Then there are people with their big-ass shopping carts. I’m reasonable and I understand that people have large families to shop for, and they possibly need a large cart full of food. That’s not what annoys me about these people. What annoys me is that WITHOUT FAIL, one of these assholes will drift down the aisle of the store at the pace of a bowel obstruction until they’re next to another asshole with a big-ass cart….then they stop…and they’re suddenly baffled shitless over what bag of chips they want to eat in one sitting when they get home. Now we have two assholes forming a blockade across the entire aisle that no one else can get past. You politely walk within their peripheral vision thinking a light bulb will go off in one of their heads to get the fuck out of your way, but nope, they just sit their giving zero fucks. So then you politely say excuse me, and they look up at you as if you just asked them what bag of dicks tastes best with bean dip. But then you realize, they’re annoyed because you just essentially asked them to solve the world’s greatest brain teaser of how to get out of the goddamn way. Rather than just pushing their cart up a few feet to make enough space for you to walk past, they instead try to scuff the cart sideways a few inches to make the 3 inch gap between them 6 inches. “Oh, thank you so much! I’ll just polymorph into an alien from Area 51 so I can pass through dumb-fuck valley”

Yey, I got my 3 items and I’m ready to check out. All the lines are backed up into the food aisles. There will be 30 registers, and only two open, one of which has a flashing red light, usually because a) the cashier can’t figure out how to ring something up, or b) the customer can’t read the fucking sale sign correctly. I see the self-checkout with only one person, and it’s almost as if a beam of light from the very heavens comes piercing through the clouds to light the path of me getting the fuck out of this hell hole. However, I am always met with disappointment. Could someone PLEASE explain to me what is soooooooo goddamn complicated about self-checkout kiosks! I get that sometimes the sensors freak out and scream that there’s an unknown item in the bagging area when all you did was accidentally drop your pepper spray or shank into one of the bags. Shit happens. I get it. But no. There’s always someone who is completely baffled on how to look up produce. The majority of the time it’s something obvious like a banana. It’s the second goddamn picture! Tap it! Done! MIND……BLOWN. And then there’s the morons who can’t figure out how to pay, or try to use expired coupons, or try a crumpled dollar bill they wiped their ass with, or use Canadian coins, or use a $100 bill for a pack of gum, and the machine can’t make change…

Jesus Christ, I’m getting pissed just writing this. I have to stop and go play a MOBA to kill shit now.

Dating Woes

This post is probably not going to be as entertaining or as humor-filled as my others. But whatever. The title of this blog is “Someone Had to Say it”, and not “I’m your personal retarded monkey to make you laugh”.

So let me first say I’m not going to be one of those mopey, bitchy people who whines about being single. I get SOOOO annoyed when I see singles making not so subtle hints about how they just can’t seem to ever find a good man (or woman if you’re into that : ). I am certain that people are single because they either choose to be, or because they won’t resolve issues that repels the right kind of people from entering their lives. It is impractical to think that the problem is the REST OF THE HUMAN POPULATION surrounding you. Remember that sad fuck at the party that everyone wanted to get to know and date? Neither do I.

Well, you’ve been single for over a decade so what does that say about you then?

Indeed I have. I’m certainly not perfect, and lord knows my stretch of singledom has spanned years due to my own issues of laziness about meeting people and other personal things I need to work out. I’m also pretty happy leading the single life. I firmly believe that if you are not happy being single then you’re doing it wrong.

So this post is about my biggest frustration with dating and meeting people, the few times I actually venture out and do it.

The biggest thing that I just CANNOT wrap my head around is why people will not tell you what they want. Either people cling to someone who THEY KNOW is not interested in them and pretend to be ok with it until it blows up, or they will string someone along that they have no intentions of ever dating. I’m usually pretty honest with people about what I want from them. I will flat out tell you from the beginning if I am interested in dating you, being friends with you, or just hooking up with you. So yes, when I meet a person and they try aiming for something other than what I say I am interested in without an adult conversation beforehand, I get pissed off and let them know.




when I call them out, they have the audacity to say that I am bitchy, or my favorite, “I don’t have time for drama.” No bitch, you’re just a pussy, and I had to be the one to grab a set of balls and be honest about the situation we’re in.

If I tell you that I am only interested in having fun and I tell you I do not want a relationshit with you, that doesn’t mean hold my hand, give me sweet kisses, and ask me if I’m seeing anyone else. I get that maybe what you want is more than what I’m willing to give you, and maybe that hurts. Trust me, I know. I’ve been on the other side of the exact same situation. However, if you’re in a situation that causes you pain, LEAVE IT. If you tell me that you want to end things because it’s not going in a direction you want, I’m ok with that. But that never happens. I end up having to be the one that grabs a set of balls for both of us and end it. I’m usually met with a lot of anger when this happens. But you know what? I did you a favor. I gave you a place to direct your anger and I did not leave you guessing. I could be like a lot of other guys out there and just be a pussy and stop returning your calls or texts with no explanation. But no. I’ve been in that situation myself plenty of times and I know it sucks. I try not to be what I hate, and I will give you a specific reason why I don’t want to see you anymore.

…unless I think you’re a complete asshole. In that case I’ll leave you guessing….asshole.

And to the other extreme, is when I tell you I am interested in dating. I get that apps like Grindr and Scruff are mostly for hookups. That’s why if I have a good conversation with you, and I think it could have the potential to be something more than a one night stand or friends, I will say, “I want to take you on a date.” OMG what could he possibly mean by this?! I don’t go on dates to potentially see if we can just be pals. I go on them because I saw potential for us to be something more than that. Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way I envisioned. One of my dearest friends for the past five years is a result of a date that did not develop further into a long-term relationship. However, there are some people who really disappoint me when they don’t want more, and it would be hurtful for me to settle for a watered down version of what I expected. I don’t harbor any ill will towards these people. I believe if it works out, great; if it doesn’t, then move on. But, I can’t always be, “Lah-Dee-Dah, I’m so glad I’m into you more than you are into me. I would love to be sidelined as a friend!” SO AGAIN, I grab the cojones and I tell these people, that I’m going to remove myself from the situation and block them. It’s nothing against them, I just know that for me to move on, I have to be away from the person. I’m telling them this so they don’t think I’m bitter and angry towards them. I am also careful in how I word it. I own up that I am the one with the issue and that I am doing this for me, and it’s nothing against them, but these guys always take it as if I just accused them of participating in a back alley abortion.


No. Your discomfort with honesty does not equal drama. Drama would be if I kept clinging to a person who is not interested, or stringing someone along that is not interested in me.

You’re in the goddamn way: Why I hate you at the gym.

I recently started going back to the gym. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be one of those assholes who can never shut the fuck up about working out. I’m pretty sure none of you give a shit, just like I don’t give a shit about your fitness. I’m only doing it to look hotter when I’m getting laid, and I’m not trying to inspire the masses to feel better about themselves. But, one public service announcement I would like to offer is how you could be less of an asshole when you go to the gym. If I could give the TL;DR version of this post it would be, “Get the fuck out of the way.”

Invading women’s space to give them pointers
This first one is for the ladies. I understand completely why you pay extra money for all female gyms. Kudos to the women who brave the Planet Fitness in some of the bro-towns I’ve been to. I’m sure you all could write your own stories about how you want every man to just fuck off and get out of your way when you work out. Here’s what I have witnessed. First of all, it’s never the hot amazing studs that approach women in the gym (probably because the only guys that care about getting that hot are the gays that have to survive dating apps). It’s ALWAYS the creepers that give their unsolicited advice to women at the gym on “how to improve their technique”. Never mind the fact that usually these men don’t have bodies that would suggest they know how to operate anything other than a bottle opener; yet, they still feel that this is the perfect opportunity for them to mac on some chick who is so far out of their league they could be classified as a different species (stole that line from Archer, but it’s the best way I could describe the situation). It’s really pathetic how so many men are completely unaware of their market value, and they have no clue that they’re skeeving these poor girls out. If you’re a man, and you approach a girl who is giving you quick one word responses and breaking eye contact with you at every possible opportunity, then get the hint, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! Move on and get the fuck out of her way. And ladies, do yourselves a favor and don’t feed the animals. You don’t owe anyone your time or your patience.

Taking too long on equipment
This one blows my mind because it defeats the purpose of going to the gym; however it is probably one of the biggest offenders: people who spend 20 minutes plus on the same piece of equipment. I once saw this stupid bitch do leg presses for a solid forty minutes with no weights. Aside from the fact that you’re being a selfish fuck for hogging one piece of equipment that long, what exactly are you accomplishing with that exercise? Cardio? Use a treadmill. Trying to get toned? You could do that by just doing squats anywhere else on planet earth with no weights. But no, you have to be in the fucking way and take up the one piece of equipment that can be used for leg presses.

I also see people who just sit on machines for 10 plus minutes between sets. They could be chillin with their bros, texting on the phone, or as I saw once, just sitting on the machine and literally staring at the same girl with his mouth hanging open. I don’t get why people hang out at the gym like it’s some cafe du asshole. You’re not getting the most out of your workout and you’re in everyone else’s way. Do your sets and get the fuck out.

Jump roping at the gym
One of the best forms of cardio, is using the jump rope. It’s amazing! Not only does it get your heart rate up, but you can do it anywhere, even in your own driveway! SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT IN A CROWDED GYM??? Congratulations, you just figured out how to create a 50 foot danger zone that no one can pass or enter. Not to mention the whipping sounds make me feel like I’m watching the last thirty minutes of The Passion of the Christ.

Strutting around naked in the locker room
I know the locker room is where you get changed, shower, and possibly meet that someone special who is <250 feet away on Grindr. There’s going to be some schlongage flopping around in the men’s locker room. I get it. However, some men strut around endlessly naked for NO REASON. And it is always some old disgusting dude that has moles that look like palmetto bugs crawling all over his body. They don’t get changed, or just shower. They strut over to the urinal barefoot and naked to take a piss, then they bend over the sink to shave so everyone can get a nice rear view of their ball sack, and then they just sit their raw asshole on the bench where other people need to sit and change. Like…WHAT THE FUCK! There’s no safe place for the rest of the people in the locker room to direct their line of site without getting eye-fucked by one of these assholes. Put your clothes on and get the fuck out of there! PLEASE!

In short, you can avoid everyone assuming you’re a complete asshole at the gym by having a little awareness and being respectful of others’ personal space and time. Go to the gym, do your work out with minimal intrusion upon others, and get the fuck out so someone else can do what they need to do. BAM! You’re on your way to becoming a better citizen.

“Gay people aren’t born gay”: Every argument you have against gay marriage is moronic and stupid (part 2)

Holy shit. I really didn’t want to do part 2 to the whole “Every argument you have against gay marriage is moronic and stupid” article until a couple of months after the first one; but, goddamn the level of stupid out there is just fucking mind-blowing. I have spent the better part of my free time this past week in social media debates with some of the biggest fuck-tards imaginable. The next completely moronic thing that comes out of Murikan dipshits’ mouths is, “It has been proven that gay people are not born gay. They choose to be gay.”

Oh really? What science is this? PLEASE! Someone link me the scientific study that definitively proves this. Did the same study also prove what attracts people to their favorite color? Did it also prove my favorite food was a choice? I don’t remember ever making a conscious decision that purple is my favorite color, or that I made a decision to love pizza. I just do. Maybe my brain is wired differently from the rest of mankind, but I don’t ever remember making choices about what I’m attracted to in any capacity. I love classical music, but I hate country music. In fact, I would rather someone piss in both my ears than listen to country music. I don’t remember ever making that choice. I just prefer one and hate the other. I never sat down and thought to myself, OK. Today’s the day I make the decision to love classical music and dislike country music. When I turn on the radio I don’t think to myself, hmmm what do I decide I’m liking today.

Or is what you’re attracted to only a choice when it comes to sex? Again, I feel like the odd man out here, so help me out. Do straight men toss and turn in bed each morning with an internal conflict of whether they will scour the earth for dick or not? Is there a vagina-angel perched on their right shoulder while an evil dick-demon rests on their left shoulder rooting for their respective teams? Most straight men are either booty men or boobs men. When did they decide whether they were more turned on by tits or ass? After all, according to this dumb-fuck logic, we all CHOOSE what we’re attracted to.

But, let’s get down to the real reason why people argue so vehemently that being gay is a choice. The real reason is deep down they hate people they don’t understand, but they don’t want to fess up to that. After all, we wouldn’t want to go against Jesus’s teachings about loving one another *eye roll*. So instead, they try to vindicate their contempt by placing their hate on the behavior, or in this case I guess we could call it the “sin” (using quotes because even if you do follow the Bible, it’s not a sin – refer to part 1 of this article). You see, the fact that people are born gay makes two things unsettling for Bible-thumping assholes. For one, it means that sexual orientation goes beyond mere behavior and actually now means something in regard to a person’s identity. Rejecting an individual’s identity would be rejecting the individual himself, and that would make pious morons hypocrites in their faith. Secondly, God said he created man in his image. This is HUGE. If gay people were born gay, then that means God created them that way. So if God really did hate all these homos, then why the fuck is he creating them in the first place? Also, if God created people in his image then God is quite possibly a big trisexual who would try anything he created.




But I thought we clicked! Why your hygiene is a cock block.

Over the years I have dated several people, and there are a few deal breakers in regard to hygiene that I just cannot get past. It usually ends up with me ignoring the guy after the first date, and not returning his calls. I know. I know. It’s a pussy move on my part, but most people are not worth the effort of an honest conversation, so it’s easier just to ignore them. Even though I’m speaking from the perspective of a gay man, I’m pretty sure this also applies to straight men, and my female friends can attest that they suffer from the same grievances. With that said, this is my PSA on why you’re probably getting ignored after a first date (assuming your game isn’t total shit).


The biggest hygiene issue that I just can’t deal with is bad breath. Some people it’s medical. They have halitosis and you can even smell their breath from behind them. Since the affliction exists in their own throat, they never even know they have a condition, at least, not until someone breaks the news to them. I remember meeting a guy for dinner, and I tried doing most of the talking so he would shut the fuck up on behalf of my life. Every time he spoke it smelled like my dinner was farting its asshole into my face. So I ignored him afterwards. After a few days of him texting me and pleading for an explanation, I finally gave it to him. I told him his breath was vile. Now, you’d think he would say something along the lines of, “Oh thank you so much for being honest and having the balls to tell me. I’m so embarrassed!” Nope! He got all shitty about it. He said, “Well no one else has complained.” Yeah, ya dumb shit! No one is going to say it to your face. They’re all going to make fun of you behind your back. And for all you know, I could have told you something that just saved your life since your breath smells like you have a vital organ rotting inside you.

For the record, if I ever have shit breath, PLEASE let me know. I will seek out medical attention ASAP.

So my next deal breaker is a sneaky one. Imagine you met that smoking hot someone that you bring back to your place. You’re making out on the couch, and you decide to crank the sensual up a notch. You go to nibble on his ear a little when HOLY SHIT THERE’S A FUCKING ALIEN WORM CLAIMING HIS BODY AS A HOST in his ear. Abe Lincoln should not be able to do his homework by candlelight with your nasty earwax. CLEAN IT! I once ran across the room and grabbed a can of air…I mean…Isn’t that how you defeat The Blob? By freezing it?

The above two deal breakers might go unnoticed by the perpetrator. If someone tells you that you are not in accordance with good hygiene due to one of the above conditions, then apologize profusely and get a handle on that shit. This next one, however, is just pure goddamn laziness. Furthermore this is a growing issue. I’m seeing it with more and more guys. It repulses me to no end when a guy takes off his shoes, and SHHHHHHHHHK!! Wolverine’s claws come slashing out. Your toenail should not reach past the flesh of your toe. I have seen, on more than one occasion, where a guy’s toenails could get caught on the carpet. How can that shit possibly be comfortable?! Do they not catch on fabrics such as your socks and your sheets? I’m sorry, but there’s a reason why I don’t own cats. I paid too much money for my furniture to get fucked up by your disgustingly long toenails. What possible reason could there be for having such long toenails? Are you that much of a coke addict to where your pinky finger won’t suffice and you need an extra ten digits to snort from?

Next on the list are beards. I LOVE beards. Few things can kick up a man’s sex appeal a few notches like a beard can. With that said, WASH THAT SHIT! Daily. With soap and water. It is so disappointing to make out with someone for the first time, only to feel like your face is being shoved into the bottom of a chicken coop. You probably don’t smell it because it is on your face all the time and your sense of smell becomes immune. Trust me. Wash. Your. Face. My nuts should not smell fresher than your face does.

And while we’re on the topic of nuts. Before you ask someone to go down on you, make sure you go down on yourself first…with a washcloth. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m trying to keep it classy.

Shit That Pisses Me Off in the Office Bathroom

DISCLAIMER: This post is going to have a lot of potty talk. So, if you’re the type that thinks this is low-brow humor, and you want something more intellectually stimulating, then by all means, exit this window before reading further and turn on BBC.

Now that the boring people have left…

Congratulations. The rest of you want to have a real discussion about assholes in office bathrooms. Welcome! Of course, I am a male, and I can only attest to what goes on in the men’s restroom at work. Ladies, you’ll have to let me know if you suffer the same offenses, or if this is just a male thing.

So here’s my personal list of pet peeves:

Hacking your goobers into the urinal.
First thing that gets on my nerves to no end are guys who hack up goobers from the bottom of their nuts into the urinal. It’s not even a quick spit, which that by itself is annoying. There used to be this guy that worked on the same floor as me. I swear to God, every time I went to take a piss he would come charging into the bathroom, stand next to me, and hack multiple goobers into the urinal. Every time he did this, I would have an out of body experience where I would envision myself grabbing the hair on the nape of his neck and slamming his face into the urinal where he just spat. Seriously. It was so unnecessarily disgusting. Not to mention, that when you hack a goober into a urinal it clings for dear life for the rest of the day – kind of like the spider in this video that went viral. If you do this, you are just simply an inconsiderate asshole, because now everyone else who pisses in that urinal for the rest of the day has to stare at it, and someone else has to clean up your disgusting habit.

Work starts at 9:00 am and at 9:05 there is already someone taking a leg sized dump.
OK, I get that when nature calls you have no control. But! There are some repeat offenders out there. People… We have an 8 hour work day ahead of us, and it’s not even 5 minutes after you got to work and you’re already blowing up the bathroom. Handle that shit at home before you get to work. What triggered your asshole at 9:05 that didn’t trigger it at 8:00 before you left your home?

Dump and run in another floor’s bathroom.
In my office building we have three floors. I HATE people who come from other floors to defile the bathroom that is on my floor. What, it’s OK to make people on our floor smell your shit, but the people on your floor are too good to smell it? Best believe I give the evil eye to anyone who is a dump-and-runner. If I had it my way, we would make it a policy to post photos of the offenders on the bathroom stalls with a message that reads, “GET OUT!”. I believe that immigration issues in this country cannot be solved until we address this problem in our office bathrooms.

Shy about using the air freshener.
This one blows my fucking mind. You just made everyone’s throats in the vicinity close up with your assplosion, and now you somehow think that spraying air freshener is what will give it away that you just took a shit. You weren’t shy about farting out the overture to Phantom of the Opera, why are you all of a sudden timid about using the air freshener. SPRAY THE FUCK OUT OF THAT GLADE ….PLEASE!

I remember when I used to work at a law firm based inside a historical house. The facilities were these tiny, single unit bathrooms adjacent to the hallway going through the house. There was this one attorney, who at the same time every afternoon, would go in and blow it the fuck up. Not only could we hear his ass squirting, but the SMELL. It’s like he stuffed a london broil up his ass each night and let it rot before shitting it in our bathroom every afternoon. I’m seriously not exaggerating. At one point an animal had died in the crawl space under the house. Animal control couldn’t remove it because it had bloated up so much it was wedged underneath the building. For weeks the office was unbearable. To this day I’m still on the fence as to what made me want to stuff tampons up my nostrils more – the dead animal, or this dude’s afternoon shits. I bet the animal died from wandering under the bathroom at the wrong time one hot summer day. So now you have a slight picture of how intrusive this dude’s shits were. No lie, he would squirt the air freshener in the bathroom with quick little puffs as if THAT would call attention to the crime against humanity his ass just committed.

Alright. I could go on all night, but I think I have grossed you all out enough, and I’m tired of reliving these nightmares. Moral of the story: Please be a considerate office bathroomer. I get that body functions are part of nature and we should all be grownups blah blah blah. But goddamn, act like a human being that was house broken as a child for Christ’s sake.