You’re in the goddamn way: Why I hate you at the gym.

I recently started going back to the gym. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be one of those assholes who can never shut the fuck up about working out. I’m pretty sure none of you give a shit, just like I don’t give a shit about your fitness. I’m only doing it to look hotter when I’m getting laid, and I’m not trying to inspire the masses to feel better about themselves. But, one public service announcement I would like to offer is how you could be less of an asshole when you go to the gym. If I could give the TL;DR version of this post it would be, “Get the fuck out of the way.”

Invading women’s space to give them pointers
This first one is for the ladies. I understand completely why you pay extra money for all female gyms. Kudos to the women who brave the Planet Fitness in some of the bro-towns I’ve been to. I’m sure you all could write your own stories about how you want every man to just fuck off and get out of your way when you work out. Here’s what I have witnessed. First of all, it’s never the hot amazing studs that approach women in the gym (probably because the only guys that care about getting that hot are the gays that have to survive dating apps). It’s ALWAYS the creepers that give their unsolicited advice to women at the gym on “how to improve their technique”. Never mind the fact that usually these men don’t have bodies that would suggest they know how to operate anything other than a bottle opener; yet, they still feel that this is the perfect opportunity for them to mac on some chick who is so far out of their league they could be classified as a different species (stole that line from Archer, but it’s the best way I could describe the situation). It’s really pathetic how so many men are completely unaware of their market value, and they have no clue that they’re skeeving these poor girls out. If you’re a man, and you approach a girl who is giving you quick one word responses and breaking eye contact with you at every possible opportunity, then get the hint, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! Move on and get the fuck out of her way. And ladies, do yourselves a favor and don’t feed the animals. You don’t owe anyone your time or your patience.

Taking too long on equipment
This one blows my mind because it defeats the purpose of going to the gym; however it is probably one of the biggest offenders: people who spend 20 minutes plus on the same piece of equipment. I once saw this stupid bitch do leg presses for a solid forty minutes with no weights. Aside from the fact that you’re being a selfish fuck for hogging one piece of equipment that long, what exactly are you accomplishing with that exercise? Cardio? Use a treadmill. Trying to get toned? You could do that by just doing squats anywhere else on planet earth with no weights. But no, you have to be in the fucking way and take up the one piece of equipment that can be used for leg presses.

I also see people who just sit on machines for 10 plus minutes between sets. They could be chillin with their bros, texting on the phone, or as I saw once, just sitting on the machine and literally staring at the same girl with his mouth hanging open. I don’t get why people hang out at the gym like it’s some cafe du asshole. You’re not getting the most out of your workout and you’re in everyone else’s way. Do your sets and get the fuck out.

Jump roping at the gym
One of the best forms of cardio, is using the jump rope. It’s amazing! Not only does it get your heart rate up, but you can do it anywhere, even in your own driveway! SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT IN A CROWDED GYM??? Congratulations, you just figured out how to create a 50 foot danger zone that no one can pass or enter. Not to mention the whipping sounds make me feel like I’m watching the last thirty minutes of The Passion of the Christ.

Strutting around naked in the locker room
I know the locker room is where you get changed, shower, and possibly meet that someone special who is <250 feet away on Grindr. There’s going to be some schlongage flopping around in the men’s locker room. I get it. However, some men strut around endlessly naked for NO REASON. And it is always some old disgusting dude that has moles that look like palmetto bugs crawling all over his body. They don’t get changed, or just shower. They strut over to the urinal barefoot and naked to take a piss, then they bend over the sink to shave so everyone can get a nice rear view of their ball sack, and then they just sit their raw asshole on the bench where other people need to sit and change. Like…WHAT THE FUCK! There’s no safe place for the rest of the people in the locker room to direct their line of site without getting eye-fucked by one of these assholes. Put your clothes on and get the fuck out of there! PLEASE!

In short, you can avoid everyone assuming you’re a complete asshole at the gym by having a little awareness and being respectful of others’ personal space and time. Go to the gym, do your work out with minimal intrusion upon others, and get the fuck out so someone else can do what they need to do. BAM! You’re on your way to becoming a better citizen.