But I thought we clicked! Why your hygiene is a cock block.

Over the years I have dated several people, and there are a few deal breakers in regard to hygiene that I just cannot get past. It usually ends up with me ignoring the guy after the first date, and not returning his calls. I know. I know. It’s a pussy move on my part, but most people are not worth the effort of an honest conversation, so it’s easier just to ignore them. Even though I’m speaking from the perspective of a gay man, I’m pretty sure this also applies to straight men, and my female friends can attest that they suffer from the same grievances. With that said, this is my PSA on why you’re probably getting ignored after a first date (assuming your game isn’t total shit).


The biggest hygiene issue that I just can’t deal with is bad breath. Some people it’s medical. They have halitosis and you can even smell their breath from behind them. Since the affliction exists in their own throat, they never even know they have a condition, at least, not until someone breaks the news to them. I remember meeting a guy for dinner, and I tried doing most of the talking so he would shut the fuck up on behalf of my life. Every time he spoke it smelled like my dinner was farting its asshole into my face. So I ignored him afterwards. After a few days of him texting me and pleading for an explanation, I finally gave it to him. I told him his breath was vile. Now, you’d think he would say something along the lines of, “Oh thank you so much for being honest and having the balls to tell me. I’m so embarrassed!” Nope! He got all shitty about it. He said, “Well no one else has complained.” Yeah, ya dumb shit! No one is going to say it to your face. They’re all going to make fun of you behind your back. And for all you know, I could have told you something that just saved your life since your breath smells like you have a vital organ rotting inside you.

For the record, if I ever have shit breath, PLEASE let me know. I will seek out medical attention ASAP.

So my next deal breaker is a sneaky one. Imagine you met that smoking hot someone that you bring back to your place. You’re making out on the couch, and you decide to crank the sensual up a notch. You go to nibble on his ear a little when HOLY SHIT THERE’S A FUCKING ALIEN WORM CLAIMING HIS BODY AS A HOST in his ear. Abe Lincoln should not be able to do his homework by candlelight with your nasty earwax. CLEAN IT! I once ran across the room and grabbed a can of air…I mean…Isn’t that how you defeat The Blob? By freezing it?

The above two deal breakers might go unnoticed by the perpetrator. If someone tells you that you are not in accordance with good hygiene due to one of the above conditions, then apologize profusely and get a handle on that shit. This next one, however, is just pure goddamn laziness. Furthermore this is a growing issue. I’m seeing it with more and more guys. It repulses me to no end when a guy takes off his shoes, and SHHHHHHHHHK!! Wolverine’s claws come slashing out. Your toenail should not reach past the flesh of your toe. I have seen, on more than one occasion, where a guy’s toenails could get caught on the carpet. How can that shit possibly be comfortable?! Do they not catch on fabrics such as your socks and your sheets? I’m sorry, but there’s a reason why I don’t own cats. I paid too much money for my furniture to get fucked up by your disgustingly long toenails. What possible reason could there be for having such long toenails? Are you that much of a coke addict to where your pinky finger won’t suffice and you need an extra ten digits to snort from?

Next on the list are beards. I LOVE beards. Few things can kick up a man’s sex appeal a few notches like a beard can. With that said, WASH THAT SHIT! Daily. With soap and water. It is so disappointing to make out with someone for the first time, only to feel like your face is being shoved into the bottom of a chicken coop. You probably don’t smell it because it is on your face all the time and your sense of smell becomes immune. Trust me. Wash. Your. Face. My nuts should not smell fresher than your face does.

And while we’re on the topic of nuts. Before you ask someone to go down on you, make sure you go down on yourself first…with a washcloth. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m trying to keep it classy.