Every Argument You Have Against Better Gun Control Is Stupid

Disclaimer: This is a living post, that I will continue to update as I encounter more stupidity on the topic. 

Guess what season it is. It’s mass shooting season! That’s right. It’s been how many months since our last mass shooting to hit the news? And as always, social media erupts in a shit storm between people thinking, ‘Hmm maybe we have a fucking problem’ versus people who absolutely will not allow any reason to enter their heads when it comes to being more responsible about how guns are sold in the US. It really blows my fucking mind how people willfully ignore reason and cling to an object that serves ZERO purpose other than to harm life. I don’t think it’s possible to round up all the guns in the country the way Donald Trump would round up illegal immigrants, but I do think we could pull our heads out of our asses and figure out a way to make mass murder less opportunistic.

But, that’s never going to happen. We can’t make any progress on the issue of gun violence in this country because the amount of stupidity that we have to reason with is so draining that we just give up and quit the discussion until the next mass shooting hits the media. It’s like those shitty contestants on American Idol who think they’re amazing and argue with the judges. There’s no reasoning with them, and they’ve built a bubble around themselves to prevent any helpful logic from sinking in. It’s the same with the gun debate. You can’t even get to a real discussion because you’re too busy trying to make dumb fucks see why they’re dumb as fuck on this topic. So, I think I’m just going to write all their stupid arguments in one place (here), and then copy/paste this link for future discussions. I’ll even number it, so we can easily tell dumb fucks what line item to reference in the link.

So, without further ado…

1. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.
Oh yes, because all mass shootings involve an asshole running around pointing his finger at people screaming PEW PEW PEW before pointing his finger to his own head and ending his life. Maybe math could help with this one. Think of the following equation:

A + B = C
Where A equals people, B equals guns, and C equals mass shootings. 

Do you get C when you remove either A or B? No? Then shut the fuck up with this oversimplified statement that does not speak to the issue.

A word of caution to my fellow rational thinking friends out there who try to have intelligent conversations about guns; beware of using this simple equation to prove your point, because it will most likely lead you to the next stupid argument…

2. If people want to kill, they’re just going to find a way to kill others regardless.
Oh, well fuck it, let’s just put bombs, grenades, and missiles on the market then. I mean killers gonna kill anyways, right? No shit, a gun nut said that missiles were illegal because they could wipe out a large amount of people. You mean…the government thought it was a bad idea to just let any asshole on the street purchase something that could easily kill a large amount of people, and made it illegal?!

A lot of people like to bring up terrorists such as the ones from 9/11, and Timothy McVeigh. “They didn’t use guns!”. I’ll do the work for you, and grab some stats:

Any guesses as to why the death from terrorism in the past 44 years is less than half the number of deaths by guns in the year 2015 alone? Could it be that one is easier and more accessible than the other?




You might hear about how a knife or a car can be more deadly. Yeah, ok. That’s why there has been so many mass knifings, and people driving their cars through the hallways of schools to run over school children.

3. A pressure cooker was used in the Boston Marathon bombing, why don’t we regulate pressure cookers?
Maybe when pressure cookers kill over 30,000 Americans each year, we can begin to take a serious look at regulating them. And if you pulled your head out of your ass and thought about it, the Tsarnaev brothers could have killed way more people if they started unloading rounds into the crowd rather than using a set it and forget it pressure cooker.

4. In the UK, where guns are banned, violent crimes are more common than in America.
Naturally my bullshit meter piqued when I saw this and admittedly I had to do some research. The UK has the collective personality of a goddamn Tree Ent from Lord of the Rings, and yet these right wing dipshits in the US spew “facts” about how the UK’s streets are pretty much a reenactment of The Cornucopia Bloodbath. And on the surface, it would appear they’re right, that is, until you read the difference between how the UK defines violent crime and the US defines it:

United Kingdom:

“Violent crime contains a wide range of offences, from minor assaults such as pushing and shoving that result in no physical harm through to serious incidents of wounding and murder. Around a half of violent incidents identified by both BCS and police statistics involve no injury to the victim.”(THOSB – CEW, page 17, paragraph 1.)

United States:

“In the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program, violent crime is composed of four offenses: murder and nonnegligent manslaughter, forcible rape, robbery, and aggravated assault. Violent crimes are defined in the UCR Program as those offenses which involve force or threat of force.”  (FBI – CUS – Violent Crime)

No shit, the UK is including pushing and shoving as violent crime and that’s being compared to things like murder, rape, and manslaughter in the US by the right wing.

Note: Thank you to this blogger for doing the research on this, and listing the sources. 

5. But cars kill more people. Should we ban cars?
First of all. I have to go through way more shit to ensure I’m a safe driver and obtain a license than a redneck asshole does to get a gun in the south. Secondly, cars offer a utility that helps our society thrive. What do guns offer exactly? (Hold that thought gun nut. I’ll address that in the next bullet.)

You might hear about how cars kill more people than guns do. Yeah, no shit. They’re called car accidents. And so what? That’s a problem too that requires its own solution, and has nothing to do with the discussion of gun violence. Some of us have the capacity to understand there are multiple problems existing in the world, and not having an immediate solution for one doesn’t preclude us from coming up with a solution for the other.

6. We need guns to protect ourselves from the criminals who get them illegally.
I think our society can be a tad bit more sophisticated and not have to arm every citizen against its own citizens. If I want to live in a place where I have to worry about defending myself every time I walk out into the street, I’ll move to the West Bank. Furthermore, based on this study by the Violence Policy Center, for every one “justifiable homicide” there are 34 criminal homicides, 78 suicides, and 2 accidental deaths in 2012,s o you’re much more likely to fuck up and hurt someone by having a gun in your home than actually needing a gun for self defense.

“I don’t want to live where only the criminals own the guns.” Oh, but wait. Weren’t you arguing about how much deadlier knives and pressure cookers were earlier. You’re not defenseless. Shank that bitch. You’ll win every time!

Sarcasm aside, most people don’t think it is practical to ban all guns. Most people who argue for gun control want responsibility on the part of the sellers, and yet it’s being made out like we’re asking to arm criminals and handicap law abiding murkins.

7. It’s my right!
Here’s the exact wording of the Second Amendment (I’m not even going to get into the historical context in which it was written vs today’s context).

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Soooooo, did the words ‘well regulated’ get blasted out of the Constitution from a nearby shooting? Would our forefathers really take issue with us being more responsible in how we sell guns?

8. The real issue is mental illness.
I agree wholeheartedly that mental illness is completely ignored in this country, and we are drastically ignorant and intolerant of it. However, let’s make sure the patient is released from the hospital early due to lack of insurance, treated like an outcast, jumps through hoops to get helpful prescriptions, oh and by the way, who gives a fuck if we sell them a gun. Maybe it might be worth making guns less accessible to them until we have a grasp on how to take care of people with mental illness? Is it really THAT unreasonable to deny people with histories of violence and mental illness the right to buy a gun?

I also love how the conservatives are suddenly concerned about the well being of the mentally ill when they continually want to shit on the “takers”, repeal The Affordable Care Act, and defund any program that might actually help people who are mentally ill.

So, that’s my list for now. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any other stupid arguments against gun control you want me to write about. I’ve only scratched the surface, but I need to take a break.

Don’t have the right words for your relationshit? Robyn’s gotch u!

I feel like Robyn is not a human being, but a manifestation of the collective single gay men’s consciousness. She literally has a song for every dating scenario you could encounter.

Sometimes you meet someone who only appeals to one aspect of what you’re looking for, and everything else is shit. I don’t know how this is possible, but some people are amazing in bed, and then as soon as the deed is done you find yourself running out of the house screaming, because his boringness just burst into the room and caught him cheating with you. Or, it could be the opposite. I’ve met some people who could carry a conversation and make me laugh all night, but then as soon as it’s time to get it on, they start doing some stupid shit, like kissing you as if they were a fucking guppy. Seriously. Who the fuck kisses with only their lips pecking open and closed???  Should I just dunk your head in a bucket of water, since breathing on land is making you gasp for air? I digress… The problem is you’re half interested in this person, and they don’t realize it. They might send you texts like, “I look forward to seeing where things go between us”, or “I’m so lucky to have met you”, or “What would you call us?”.  Don’t know how to respond? Well, fear not. Robyn has just the song for you!

Ever had a steamy affair with someone, and just knew in your heart you were THE ONE? Clearly fate destined you two to be together, but somehow the timelines of when you crossed paths got jumbled up with this other person in the way, whom you’ve never met. You keep getting promises that they will break up, but now’s not the right time. Clearly you haven’t read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt (read the book; don’t watch the movie). YOU KNOW (stupidly) that he loves you more, and he just needs a little extra advice and gentle encouragement from you to help him start his life together with you instead. Whatever do you say? Don’t worry. Robyn’s got a song for that!

You might want to find the audio version of that song. Your boo-thang is not going to be able to unsee those pants or dance moves after watching the video.

Ok, so maybe your steamy affair didn’t work out, and you were the one who got dumped. Or, maybe someone read this blog post and sent you “Hang With Me“. OOOOR fuck!!! Someone sent your boyfriend “Call Your Girlfriend” and he just told you it’s not your fault. But, he just met somebody new and he tells you not to get upset, second-guessing everything you’ve said and dooooone…Shit now the song is stuck in my head, and I have to listen to it again… Anyway, you just got dumped, and now you see this asshole out and about with his new beau who he dumped you for. Robyn understands. She made this for you:

And finally, my favorite of them all. You met that new hottie and you KNOW that he is THE one. You can’t stop texting each other, and when you finally do meet up, you feel like you could die the next day and truly lived your life. Excuse me one moment. I think I just wrote some “Twilight” shit. I’m going to hook electrodes to my  most sensitive areas, and read the books now to associate those stories with a negative experience. Every relationshit you’ve had up until this point has been a complete fuck-up. And now, you’re not going to let any of that ruin this moment. You’re indestructible! Robyn understands…

OMG Why are you alone? Let me introduce you to this really cute guy!

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage for the entire country. Since that unleashed a gay fuck-wave across the nation, JUST LIKE THE CONSERVATIVES SAID IT WOULD, I decided to join my kind for the night to see if I could meet my special someone on this historic night. Not really. I was going to head home after dinner with a couple of my BFFs, but then I heard amazing dance music, and thought, eh, I’ll go to the local joint and shake my ass for a bit.

For me, I don’t really like going to clubs to meet people. I’m weird in the fact that I usually like to go by myself and dance in a crowd of strangers. There is something about sharing in the collective energy of whatever awesome song is pumping that gives me a thrill. My ideal night out would ultimately look something like this (minus Neo and Trinity fucking in a cave above us):

I got there kind of early, so there was this awkward stage where I’m standing around waiting for the crowd to come in. I picked a quiet spot to stand and mind my own fucking business.


“OMG! Why are you here hiding by yourself?”

“I’m just hanging for a bit, waiting for the dance floor to fill up.”

“Are you here with someone?”


(gasp) “Honey, what are you looking for? I’ll introduce you to people and help you find a man.”

Fuck. “I’m not really looking for anything. I just came here to hang for the hell of it…Seriously.”

“Oh, you have to meet my cute friend, and he’s single too! Hold on, let me go find him.”

The trannie swooshes away, and like the annoying bird that she is, she comes back with a worm dangling from her beak. Literally. This dude looked like a worm.

Here’s the thing. I’m a shallow bitch. I know this about myself. There are three people on earth I’m attracted to right now – the hot Brazilian that lives 723 feet away from me (+/- 30 ft accuracy), Dorian Pavus, and Marlon Teixeira:

Ok, Marlon’s a bit extreme, but I needed an excuse to look at him and link his photo into my blog.

So, it’s incredibly fucking over-the-top annoying when someone tries to hook me up with a friend of theirs. In fact, it’s flat out rude, because a) you’re making the assumption that I need saving when I don’t, and b) you’re assuming that you know what my incredibly personal tastes are in men. Do you go around spraying people with cologne you think they’ll like? Do you order someone a drink without asking them what they want? Do you just start painting someone’s house in what you think is their favorite color? No? Then fuck off, and don’t just assume you found the perfect match for me, when I’ve never even met or seen this person. It’s also rude to your friend. What if he wasn’t into me at all. Now he’s thrown into a situation he doesn’t want to be in either. I also find it degrading when people think that if I get thrown into a cage with their friend we’ll just start sniffing and mounting each other’s asses like dogs.

The dude started off nice, and we chatted for a bit, but I was not attracted to him at all. After the initial pleasantries, I was over it, but he kept lingering. Great, now I have to figure out a way to communicate I’m not interested without being a dick. I told him I was going to meet up with some friends on the dance floor. Nope. Didn’t work. He followed me out there. Tried to keep a hula hoop distance between us while dancing. Nope. Didn’t work. Finally met a familiar face I could talk to, and divert attention. Worked for a little bit, but ended up back-firing (I’ll get to that later).

In the meantime…

This girl approaches me and asks if I’m by myself. You’d think I learned my lesson by now and would just lie and say I have a BF, but nope, I’m a dumb shit.

“Oh, I have a friend over there that is adorable and single. I think you guys would make a cute couple.”

Seriously, what is making me a shit-magnet for all the saviors tonight? Do I have Carrie Bradshaw’s diary scrolling in a thought bubble over my head? I give a weak hint that I’m not interested, “I’m just hanging tonight with some friends.”

“My friend is really cute, he plays rugby.”

OOOOH! Why didn’t you say so? Let me just grab my ankles now. Thankfully, this chick had some modicum of emotional intelligence and finally picked up I wasn’t interested, and left me alone.

I dance for a few more songs. Meanwhile wormy dude is dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld while eye-fucking me. He goes for kiss one, and I dodge it. Goes for kiss two, and I dodge it as well. Finally, I have to gently push him away, and I tell him I need to head out. DUDE IS STILL CLUELESS, and tells me how much he enjoyed our night together. I give him the cold two pats on the back hug, and I’m just about to leave, when my acquaintance jumps in and says, “Hey, did you get each other’s numbers.”

My face…

I finally escaped. As I’m walking out the door, the trannie makes eye contact and tries to wave me down. I might or might not have run out of the club like I just robbed a bank…

~~~My Social Edict~~~

NEVER try to hook your friend up with someone on the fly. Ten times out of ten, it just leads to an awkward situation for your friend and the person you’re introducing him to. I am not saying you can’t introduce friends you think might be a match. That is fine when you do it in the correct way. How do you do it correctly? You don’t set the expectation for a date, or that you think they will be interested in one another. You invite the two to the same event or the same space, and introduce them as your mutual friend like you would with any other friend of yours. From there, if they’re a match, guess what? It will happen. If they’re not, then they probably won’t bother with each other, and there won’t have to be this awkward discussion about there not being a mutual interest. And for fuck’s sake, get off your high horse and get over your savior complex if you have one.

But I thought we clicked! Why your hygiene is a cock block.

Over the years I have dated several people, and there are a few deal breakers in regard to hygiene that I just cannot get past. It usually ends up with me ignoring the guy after the first date, and not returning his calls. I know. I know. It’s a pussy move on my part, but most people are not worth the effort of an honest conversation, so it’s easier just to ignore them. Even though I’m speaking from the perspective of a gay man, I’m pretty sure this also applies to straight men, and my female friends can attest that they suffer from the same grievances. With that said, this is my PSA on why you’re probably getting ignored after a first date (assuming your game isn’t total shit).


The biggest hygiene issue that I just can’t deal with is bad breath. Some people it’s medical. They have halitosis and you can even smell their breath from behind them. Since the affliction exists in their own throat, they never even know they have a condition, at least, not until someone breaks the news to them. I remember meeting a guy for dinner, and I tried doing most of the talking so he would shut the fuck up on behalf of my life. Every time he spoke it smelled like my dinner was farting its asshole into my face. So I ignored him afterwards. After a few days of him texting me and pleading for an explanation, I finally gave it to him. I told him his breath was vile. Now, you’d think he would say something along the lines of, “Oh thank you so much for being honest and having the balls to tell me. I’m so embarrassed!” Nope! He got all shitty about it. He said, “Well no one else has complained.” Yeah, ya dumb shit! No one is going to say it to your face. They’re all going to make fun of you behind your back. And for all you know, I could have told you something that just saved your life since your breath smells like you have a vital organ rotting inside you.

For the record, if I ever have shit breath, PLEASE let me know. I will seek out medical attention ASAP.

So my next deal breaker is a sneaky one. Imagine you met that smoking hot someone that you bring back to your place. You’re making out on the couch, and you decide to crank the sensual up a notch. You go to nibble on his ear a little when HOLY SHIT THERE’S A FUCKING ALIEN WORM CLAIMING HIS BODY AS A HOST in his ear. Abe Lincoln should not be able to do his homework by candlelight with your nasty earwax. CLEAN IT! I once ran across the room and grabbed a can of air…I mean…Isn’t that how you defeat The Blob? By freezing it?

The above two deal breakers might go unnoticed by the perpetrator. If someone tells you that you are not in accordance with good hygiene due to one of the above conditions, then apologize profusely and get a handle on that shit. This next one, however, is just pure goddamn laziness. Furthermore this is a growing issue. I’m seeing it with more and more guys. It repulses me to no end when a guy takes off his shoes, and SHHHHHHHHHK!! Wolverine’s claws come slashing out. Your toenail should not reach past the flesh of your toe. I have seen, on more than one occasion, where a guy’s toenails could get caught on the carpet. How can that shit possibly be comfortable?! Do they not catch on fabrics such as your socks and your sheets? I’m sorry, but there’s a reason why I don’t own cats. I paid too much money for my furniture to get fucked up by your disgustingly long toenails. What possible reason could there be for having such long toenails? Are you that much of a coke addict to where your pinky finger won’t suffice and you need an extra ten digits to snort from?

Next on the list are beards. I LOVE beards. Few things can kick up a man’s sex appeal a few notches like a beard can. With that said, WASH THAT SHIT! Daily. With soap and water. It is so disappointing to make out with someone for the first time, only to feel like your face is being shoved into the bottom of a chicken coop. You probably don’t smell it because it is on your face all the time and your sense of smell becomes immune. Trust me. Wash. Your. Face. My nuts should not smell fresher than your face does.

And while we’re on the topic of nuts. Before you ask someone to go down on you, make sure you go down on yourself first…with a washcloth. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m trying to keep it classy.

Shit That Pisses Me Off in the Office Bathroom

DISCLAIMER: This post is going to have a lot of potty talk. So, if you’re the type that thinks this is low-brow humor, and you want something more intellectually stimulating, then by all means, exit this window before reading further and turn on BBC.

Now that the boring people have left…

Congratulations. The rest of you want to have a real discussion about assholes in office bathrooms. Welcome! Of course, I am a male, and I can only attest to what goes on in the men’s restroom at work. Ladies, you’ll have to let me know if you suffer the same offenses, or if this is just a male thing.

So here’s my personal list of pet peeves:

Hacking your goobers into the urinal.
First thing that gets on my nerves to no end are guys who hack up goobers from the bottom of their nuts into the urinal. It’s not even a quick spit, which that by itself is annoying. There used to be this guy that worked on the same floor as me. I swear to God, every time I went to take a piss he would come charging into the bathroom, stand next to me, and hack multiple goobers into the urinal. Every time he did this, I would have an out of body experience where I would envision myself grabbing the hair on the nape of his neck and slamming his face into the urinal where he just spat. Seriously. It was so unnecessarily disgusting. Not to mention, that when you hack a goober into a urinal it clings for dear life for the rest of the day – kind of like the spider in this video that went viral. If you do this, you are just simply an inconsiderate asshole, because now everyone else who pisses in that urinal for the rest of the day has to stare at it, and someone else has to clean up your disgusting habit.

Work starts at 9:00 am and at 9:05 there is already someone taking a leg sized dump.
OK, I get that when nature calls you have no control. But! There are some repeat offenders out there. People… We have an 8 hour work day ahead of us, and it’s not even 5 minutes after you got to work and you’re already blowing up the bathroom. Handle that shit at home before you get to work. What triggered your asshole at 9:05 that didn’t trigger it at 8:00 before you left your home?

Dump and run in another floor’s bathroom.
In my office building we have three floors. I HATE people who come from other floors to defile the bathroom that is on my floor. What, it’s OK to make people on our floor smell your shit, but the people on your floor are too good to smell it? Best believe I give the evil eye to anyone who is a dump-and-runner. If I had it my way, we would make it a policy to post photos of the offenders on the bathroom stalls with a message that reads, “GET OUT!”. I believe that immigration issues in this country cannot be solved until we address this problem in our office bathrooms.

Shy about using the air freshener.
This one blows my fucking mind. You just made everyone’s throats in the vicinity close up with your assplosion, and now you somehow think that spraying air freshener is what will give it away that you just took a shit. You weren’t shy about farting out the overture to Phantom of the Opera, why are you all of a sudden timid about using the air freshener. SPRAY THE FUCK OUT OF THAT GLADE ….PLEASE!

I remember when I used to work at a law firm based inside a historical house. The facilities were these tiny, single unit bathrooms adjacent to the hallway going through the house. There was this one attorney, who at the same time every afternoon, would go in and blow it the fuck up. Not only could we hear his ass squirting, but the SMELL. It’s like he stuffed a london broil up his ass each night and let it rot before shitting it in our bathroom every afternoon. I’m seriously not exaggerating. At one point an animal had died in the crawl space under the house. Animal control couldn’t remove it because it had bloated up so much it was wedged underneath the building. For weeks the office was unbearable. To this day I’m still on the fence as to what made me want to stuff tampons up my nostrils more – the dead animal, or this dude’s afternoon shits. I bet the animal died from wandering under the bathroom at the wrong time one hot summer day. So now you have a slight picture of how intrusive this dude’s shits were. No lie, he would squirt the air freshener in the bathroom with quick little puffs as if THAT would call attention to the crime against humanity his ass just committed.

Alright. I could go on all night, but I think I have grossed you all out enough, and I’m tired of reliving these nightmares. Moral of the story: Please be a considerate office bathroomer. I get that body functions are part of nature and we should all be grownups blah blah blah. But goddamn, act like a human being that was house broken as a child for Christ’s sake.

So how ’bout that cock fight?

So those of you who know me, understand that one of my biggest pet peeves is random strangers asking me about goddamn sports. It happened again today. I went to a local deli, and all I wanted in life at that moment was to get my enormous turkey/bacon fresh made hoagie with extra mayo. I generally don’t like striking up conversations with random people. I just don’t see the point of it. Unless you’re someone I know already, chances are you’re probably someone I genuinely don’t care about. As hard as I try to paint RBF across my face, people still always want to strike up a conversation with me about pointless shit, specifically sports. The x on the diagram below indicates my level of care for sports:

X            Don’t care [————————————————–] Care

Holy shit that’s off the charts!!

To me, watching others play sports is like watching the elderly play shuffleboard. I’m sure they’re having a great time playing the game, but I’m not playing it, so why would I care? When I attended Florida State University back in 1999, I was in the marching band and our team was undefeated. While the rest of the band was psyched to play the goddamn war chant for the one hundred ninety millionth time, I was behind the bleachers eating nachos in the shade. I couldn’t tell you what went on during any of the games. When I looked out onto the field, all I saw were these muscle-bound gnomes fighting over a flea.

Anyway, back to today. I order my sandwich at the deli, and here we go, “Did you catch the Bruins game last night?”

Now I know you’re thinking, Why don’t you just tell him you didn’t see it! Here’s the thingI’ve tried that!  If I make up an excuse, it’s like the universe conspires to fuck with me until I have to confess I have no clue what you’re talking about. Because then they’ll start telling me blow by blow about the fucking game, or how it wasn’t as good or better than another game I didn’t give a shit about. Or they’ll ask me my opinion about how the Patriots will do in the World Series. You see my problem?!

So I’ve learned to just say, “I don’t really follow sports.” Then I get this look as if I just told the man that I like to put his wife’s underwear on my head when he’s not looking….followed by awkward silence. Now I feel guilty like I have to make the situation better, so I just say something like, “I’ve never even met your wife.”




I don’t go around asking you if you saw the latest episode of Table Top, or if you watched the latest play by Faker in yesterday’s LCS match. Do you know why? Because those conversations would be awkward to the average Joe the Dumber. In fact, I don’t ask people SHIT unless I know them, because if I did, that would lead to assumptions. And we know what they say about assumptions: It makes a complete asshole out of you.