Brace Yourselves: Grocery Shopping Rant is Coming

I hate grocery shopping. I don’t think there is one aspect of the entire process that doesn’t piss me off in some way. It also involves two other things that annoy me, people and cooking. Here’s just a small list of things I’d rather do with my life at any given moment instead of grocery shopping:

  • anything.

I know some righteous people out there might be thinking, OMG first world problems. But whatever, you’re probably not out actively finding the solution to world hunger either, so here’s my rant about grocery shopping.

I pretty much get pissed off the moment I drive into the parking lot. It fucking amazes me the shit people will go through to park closer to the store. I’ve seen assholes block traffic waiting for someone’s parking spot while they unpack a huge shopping cart full of shit for upwards of a good five minutes. Sometimes I wish I drove a big-ass truck I didn’t give a shit about so I could plow it into the back of their fucking car and push them into a large heavy object, preferably another asshole blocking the entrance to the store with their hazard lights on. Furthermore, the person who is unloading their groceries into the trunk of their car suddenly realizes, “Oh! Someone’s waiting for me? Let me just take my fucking sweet time and make sure I dick around as much as possible.” I make a point of revving my engine as I drive past these assholes–that will show them! I park in the furthest parking spot, and I give them my “Hey look at me walking into the store before you did, even though I parked 100 feet further away, asshole” look.

So now I’m in the store, already annoyed. I usually have a simple shopping list of milk, bread, and possibly deli meat. I go to the deli line, and it’s backed up because some bitch wants to sample every fucking meat they have to offer before making up her mind on what she wants. It’s goddamn ham! What do you think it could possibly taste like other than ham?! Yes, the Boar’s Head is going to taste better than the Tastee brand that the store shits out. Why else would it cost $1 more per pound? When one of these ass-tards is holding up the deli line, I usually just say fuck it and buy prepackaged deli meat.

Then there are people with their big-ass shopping carts. I’m reasonable and I understand that people have large families to shop for, and they possibly need a large cart full of food. That’s not what annoys me about these people. What annoys me is that WITHOUT FAIL, one of these assholes will drift down the aisle of the store at the pace of a bowel obstruction until they’re next to another asshole with a big-ass cart….then they stop…and they’re suddenly baffled shitless over what bag of chips they want to eat in one sitting when they get home. Now we have two assholes forming a blockade across the entire aisle that no one else can get past. You politely walk within their peripheral vision thinking a light bulb will go off in one of their heads to get the fuck out of your way, but nope, they just sit their giving zero fucks. So then you politely say excuse me, and they look up at you as if you just asked them what bag of dicks tastes best with bean dip. But then you realize, they’re annoyed because you just essentially asked them to solve the world’s greatest brain teaser of how to get out of the goddamn way. Rather than just pushing their cart up a few feet to make enough space for you to walk past, they instead try to scuff the cart sideways a few inches to make the 3 inch gap between them 6 inches. “Oh, thank you so much! I’ll just polymorph into an alien from Area 51 so I can pass through dumb-fuck valley”

Yey, I got my 3 items and I’m ready to check out. All the lines are backed up into the food aisles. There will be 30 registers, and only two open, one of which has a flashing red light, usually because a) the cashier can’t figure out how to ring something up, or b) the customer can’t read the fucking sale sign correctly. I see the self-checkout with only one person, and it’s almost as if a beam of light from the very heavens comes piercing through the clouds to light the path of me getting the fuck out of this hell hole. However, I am always met with disappointment. Could someone PLEASE explain to me what is soooooooo goddamn complicated about self-checkout kiosks! I get that sometimes the sensors freak out and scream that there’s an unknown item in the bagging area when all you did was accidentally drop your pepper spray or shank into one of the bags. Shit happens. I get it. But no. There’s always someone who is completely baffled on how to look up produce. The majority of the time it’s something obvious like a banana. It’s the second goddamn picture! Tap it! Done! MIND……BLOWN. And then there’s the morons who can’t figure out how to pay, or try to use expired coupons, or try a crumpled dollar bill they wiped their ass with, or use Canadian coins, or use a $100 bill for a pack of gum, and the machine can’t make change…

Jesus Christ, I’m getting pissed just writing this. I have to stop and go play a MOBA to kill shit now.