I feel like Robyn is not a human being, but a manifestation of the collective single gay men’s consciousness. She literally has a song for every dating scenario you could encounter.
Sometimes you meet someone who only appeals to one aspect of what you’re looking for, and everything else is shit. I don’t know how this is possible, but some people are amazing in bed, and then as soon as the deed is done you find yourself running out of the house screaming, because his boringness just burst into the room and caught him cheating with you. Or, it could be the opposite. I’ve met some people who could carry a conversation and make me laugh all night, but then as soon as it’s time to get it on, they start doing some stupid shit, like kissing you as if they were a fucking guppy. Seriously. Who the fuck kisses with only their lips pecking open and closed??? Should I just dunk your head in a bucket of water, since breathing on land is making you gasp for air? I digress… The problem is you’re half interested in this person, and they don’t realize it. They might send you texts like, “I look forward to seeing where things go between us”, or “I’m so lucky to have met you”, or “What would you call us?”. Don’t know how to respond? Well, fear not. Robyn has just the song for you!
Ever had a steamy affair with someone, and just knew in your heart you were THE ONE? Clearly fate destined you two to be together, but somehow the timelines of when you crossed paths got jumbled up with this other person in the way, whom you’ve never met. You keep getting promises that they will break up, but now’s not the right time. Clearly you haven’t read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt (read the book; don’t watch the movie). YOU KNOW (stupidly) that he loves you more, and he just needs a little extra advice and gentle encouragement from you to help him start his life together with you instead. Whatever do you say? Don’t worry. Robyn’s got a song for that!
You might want to find the audio version of that song. Your boo-thang is not going to be able to unsee those pants or dance moves after watching the video.
Ok, so maybe your steamy affair didn’t work out, and you were the one who got dumped. Or, maybe someone read this blog post and sent you “Hang With Me“. OOOOR fuck!!! Someone sent your boyfriend “Call Your Girlfriend” and he just told you it’s not your fault. But, he just met somebody new and he tells you not to get upset, second-guessing everything you’ve said and dooooone…Shit now the song is stuck in my head, and I have to listen to it again… Anyway, you just got dumped, and now you see this asshole out and about with his new beau who he dumped you for. Robyn understands. She made this for you:
And finally, my favorite of them all. You met that new hottie and you KNOW that he is THE one. You can’t stop texting each other, and when you finally do meet up, you feel like you could die the next day and truly lived your life. Excuse me one moment. I think I just wrote some “Twilight” shit. I’m going to hook electrodes to my most sensitive areas, and read the books now to associate those stories with a negative experience. Every relationshit you’ve had up until this point has been a complete fuck-up. And now, you’re not going to let any of that ruin this moment. You’re indestructible! Robyn understands…