You’re in the goddamn way: Why I hate you at the gym.

I recently started going back to the gym. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be one of those assholes who can never shut the fuck up about working out. I’m pretty sure none of you give a shit, just like I don’t give a shit about your fitness. I’m only doing it to look hotter when I’m getting laid, and I’m not trying to inspire the masses to feel better about themselves. But, one public service announcement I would like to offer is how you could be less of an asshole when you go to the gym. If I could give the TL;DR version of this post it would be, “Get the fuck out of the way.”

Invading women’s space to give them pointers
This first one is for the ladies. I understand completely why you pay extra money for all female gyms. Kudos to the women who brave the Planet Fitness in some of the bro-towns I’ve been to. I’m sure you all could write your own stories about how you want every man to just fuck off and get out of your way when you work out. Here’s what I have witnessed. First of all, it’s never the hot amazing studs that approach women in the gym (probably because the only guys that care about getting that hot are the gays that have to survive dating apps). It’s ALWAYS the creepers that give their unsolicited advice to women at the gym on “how to improve their technique”. Never mind the fact that usually these men don’t have bodies that would suggest they know how to operate anything other than a bottle opener; yet, they still feel that this is the perfect opportunity for them to mac on some chick who is so far out of their league they could be classified as a different species (stole that line from Archer, but it’s the best way I could describe the situation). It’s really pathetic how so many men are completely unaware of their market value, and they have no clue that they’re skeeving these poor girls out. If you’re a man, and you approach a girl who is giving you quick one word responses and breaking eye contact with you at every possible opportunity, then get the hint, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! Move on and get the fuck out of her way. And ladies, do yourselves a favor and don’t feed the animals. You don’t owe anyone your time or your patience.

Taking too long on equipment
This one blows my mind because it defeats the purpose of going to the gym; however it is probably one of the biggest offenders: people who spend 20 minutes plus on the same piece of equipment. I once saw this stupid bitch do leg presses for a solid forty minutes with no weights. Aside from the fact that you’re being a selfish fuck for hogging one piece of equipment that long, what exactly are you accomplishing with that exercise? Cardio? Use a treadmill. Trying to get toned? You could do that by just doing squats anywhere else on planet earth with no weights. But no, you have to be in the fucking way and take up the one piece of equipment that can be used for leg presses.

I also see people who just sit on machines for 10 plus minutes between sets. They could be chillin with their bros, texting on the phone, or as I saw once, just sitting on the machine and literally staring at the same girl with his mouth hanging open. I don’t get why people hang out at the gym like it’s some cafe du asshole. You’re not getting the most out of your workout and you’re in everyone else’s way. Do your sets and get the fuck out.

Jump roping at the gym
One of the best forms of cardio, is using the jump rope. It’s amazing! Not only does it get your heart rate up, but you can do it anywhere, even in your own driveway! SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IT IN A CROWDED GYM??? Congratulations, you just figured out how to create a 50 foot danger zone that no one can pass or enter. Not to mention the whipping sounds make me feel like I’m watching the last thirty minutes of The Passion of the Christ.

Strutting around naked in the locker room
I know the locker room is where you get changed, shower, and possibly meet that someone special who is <250 feet away on Grindr. There’s going to be some schlongage flopping around in the men’s locker room. I get it. However, some men strut around endlessly naked for NO REASON. And it is always some old disgusting dude that has moles that look like palmetto bugs crawling all over his body. They don’t get changed, or just shower. They strut over to the urinal barefoot and naked to take a piss, then they bend over the sink to shave so everyone can get a nice rear view of their ball sack, and then they just sit their raw asshole on the bench where other people need to sit and change. Like…WHAT THE FUCK! There’s no safe place for the rest of the people in the locker room to direct their line of site without getting eye-fucked by one of these assholes. Put your clothes on and get the fuck out of there! PLEASE!

In short, you can avoid everyone assuming you’re a complete asshole at the gym by having a little awareness and being respectful of others’ personal space and time. Go to the gym, do your work out with minimal intrusion upon others, and get the fuck out so someone else can do what they need to do. BAM! You’re on your way to becoming a better citizen.

Shit That Pisses Me Off in the Office Bathroom

DISCLAIMER: This post is going to have a lot of potty talk. So, if you’re the type that thinks this is low-brow humor, and you want something more intellectually stimulating, then by all means, exit this window before reading further and turn on BBC.

Now that the boring people have left…

Congratulations. The rest of you want to have a real discussion about assholes in office bathrooms. Welcome! Of course, I am a male, and I can only attest to what goes on in the men’s restroom at work. Ladies, you’ll have to let me know if you suffer the same offenses, or if this is just a male thing.

So here’s my personal list of pet peeves:

Hacking your goobers into the urinal.
First thing that gets on my nerves to no end are guys who hack up goobers from the bottom of their nuts into the urinal. It’s not even a quick spit, which that by itself is annoying. There used to be this guy that worked on the same floor as me. I swear to God, every time I went to take a piss he would come charging into the bathroom, stand next to me, and hack multiple goobers into the urinal. Every time he did this, I would have an out of body experience where I would envision myself grabbing the hair on the nape of his neck and slamming his face into the urinal where he just spat. Seriously. It was so unnecessarily disgusting. Not to mention, that when you hack a goober into a urinal it clings for dear life for the rest of the day – kind of like the spider in this video that went viral. If you do this, you are just simply an inconsiderate asshole, because now everyone else who pisses in that urinal for the rest of the day has to stare at it, and someone else has to clean up your disgusting habit.

Work starts at 9:00 am and at 9:05 there is already someone taking a leg sized dump.
OK, I get that when nature calls you have no control. But! There are some repeat offenders out there. People… We have an 8 hour work day ahead of us, and it’s not even 5 minutes after you got to work and you’re already blowing up the bathroom. Handle that shit at home before you get to work. What triggered your asshole at 9:05 that didn’t trigger it at 8:00 before you left your home?

Dump and run in another floor’s bathroom.
In my office building we have three floors. I HATE people who come from other floors to defile the bathroom that is on my floor. What, it’s OK to make people on our floor smell your shit, but the people on your floor are too good to smell it? Best believe I give the evil eye to anyone who is a dump-and-runner. If I had it my way, we would make it a policy to post photos of the offenders on the bathroom stalls with a message that reads, “GET OUT!”. I believe that immigration issues in this country cannot be solved until we address this problem in our office bathrooms.

Shy about using the air freshener.
This one blows my fucking mind. You just made everyone’s throats in the vicinity close up with your assplosion, and now you somehow think that spraying air freshener is what will give it away that you just took a shit. You weren’t shy about farting out the overture to Phantom of the Opera, why are you all of a sudden timid about using the air freshener. SPRAY THE FUCK OUT OF THAT GLADE ….PLEASE!

I remember when I used to work at a law firm based inside a historical house. The facilities were these tiny, single unit bathrooms adjacent to the hallway going through the house. There was this one attorney, who at the same time every afternoon, would go in and blow it the fuck up. Not only could we hear his ass squirting, but the SMELL. It’s like he stuffed a london broil up his ass each night and let it rot before shitting it in our bathroom every afternoon. I’m seriously not exaggerating. At one point an animal had died in the crawl space under the house. Animal control couldn’t remove it because it had bloated up so much it was wedged underneath the building. For weeks the office was unbearable. To this day I’m still on the fence as to what made me want to stuff tampons up my nostrils more – the dead animal, or this dude’s afternoon shits. I bet the animal died from wandering under the bathroom at the wrong time one hot summer day. So now you have a slight picture of how intrusive this dude’s shits were. No lie, he would squirt the air freshener in the bathroom with quick little puffs as if THAT would call attention to the crime against humanity his ass just committed.

Alright. I could go on all night, but I think I have grossed you all out enough, and I’m tired of reliving these nightmares. Moral of the story: Please be a considerate office bathroomer. I get that body functions are part of nature and we should all be grownups blah blah blah. But goddamn, act like a human being that was house broken as a child for Christ’s sake.