OMG Why are you alone? Let me introduce you to this really cute guy!

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage for the entire country. Since that unleashed a gay fuck-wave across the nation, JUST LIKE THE CONSERVATIVES SAID IT WOULD, I decided to join my kind for the night to see if I could meet my special someone on this historic night. Not really. I was going to head home after dinner with a couple of my BFFs, but then I heard amazing dance music, and thought, eh, I’ll go to the local joint and shake my ass for a bit.

For me, I don’t really like going to clubs to meet people. I’m weird in the fact that I usually like to go by myself and dance in a crowd of strangers. There is something about sharing in the collective energy of whatever awesome song is pumping that gives me a thrill. My ideal night out would ultimately look something like this (minus Neo and Trinity fucking in a cave above us):

I got there kind of early, so there was this awkward stage where I’m standing around waiting for the crowd to come in. I picked a quiet spot to stand and mind my own fucking business.

[ENTERS THE TRANNIE SAVIOR]

“OMG! Why are you here hiding by yourself?”

“I’m just hanging for a bit, waiting for the dance floor to fill up.”

“Are you here with someone?”

“No.”

(gasp) “Honey, what are you looking for? I’ll introduce you to people and help you find a man.”

Fuck. “I’m not really looking for anything. I just came here to hang for the hell of it…Seriously.”

“Oh, you have to meet my cute friend, and he’s single too! Hold on, let me go find him.”

The trannie swooshes away, and like the annoying bird that she is, she comes back with a worm dangling from her beak. Literally. This dude looked like a worm.

Here’s the thing. I’m a shallow bitch. I know this about myself. There are three people on earth I’m attracted to right now – the hot Brazilian that lives 723 feet away from me (+/- 30 ft accuracy), Dorian Pavus, and Marlon Teixeira:

Ok, Marlon’s a bit extreme, but I needed an excuse to look at him and link his photo into my blog.

So, it’s incredibly fucking over-the-top annoying when someone tries to hook me up with a friend of theirs. In fact, it’s flat out rude, because a) you’re making the assumption that I need saving when I don’t, and b) you’re assuming that you know what my incredibly personal tastes are in men. Do you go around spraying people with cologne you think they’ll like? Do you order someone a drink without asking them what they want? Do you just start painting someone’s house in what you think is their favorite color? No? Then fuck off, and don’t just assume you found the perfect match for me, when I’ve never even met or seen this person. It’s also rude to your friend. What if he wasn’t into me at all. Now he’s thrown into a situation he doesn’t want to be in either. I also find it degrading when people think that if I get thrown into a cage with their friend we’ll just start sniffing and mounting each other’s asses like dogs.

The dude started off nice, and we chatted for a bit, but I was not attracted to him at all. After the initial pleasantries, I was over it, but he kept lingering. Great, now I have to figure out a way to communicate I’m not interested without being a dick. I told him I was going to meet up with some friends on the dance floor. Nope. Didn’t work. He followed me out there. Tried to keep a hula hoop distance between us while dancing. Nope. Didn’t work. Finally met a familiar face I could talk to, and divert attention. Worked for a little bit, but ended up back-firing (I’ll get to that later).

In the meantime…

This girl approaches me and asks if I’m by myself. You’d think I learned my lesson by now and would just lie and say I have a BF, but nope, I’m a dumb shit.

“Oh, I have a friend over there that is adorable and single. I think you guys would make a cute couple.”

Seriously, what is making me a shit-magnet for all the saviors tonight? Do I have Carrie Bradshaw’s diary scrolling in a thought bubble over my head? I give a weak hint that I’m not interested, “I’m just hanging tonight with some friends.”

“My friend is really cute, he plays rugby.”

OOOOH! Why didn’t you say so? Let me just grab my ankles now. Thankfully, this chick had some modicum of emotional intelligence and finally picked up I wasn’t interested, and left me alone.

I dance for a few more songs. Meanwhile wormy dude is dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld while eye-fucking me. He goes for kiss one, and I dodge it. Goes for kiss two, and I dodge it as well. Finally, I have to gently push him away, and I tell him I need to head out. DUDE IS STILL CLUELESS, and tells me how much he enjoyed our night together. I give him the cold two pats on the back hug, and I’m just about to leave, when my acquaintance jumps in and says, “Hey, did you get each other’s numbers.”

My face…

I finally escaped. As I’m walking out the door, the trannie makes eye contact and tries to wave me down. I might or might not have run out of the club like I just robbed a bank…

~~~My Social Edict~~~

NEVER try to hook your friend up with someone on the fly. Ten times out of ten, it just leads to an awkward situation for your friend and the person you’re introducing him to. I am not saying you can’t introduce friends you think might be a match. That is fine when you do it in the correct way. How do you do it correctly? You don’t set the expectation for a date, or that you think they will be interested in one another. You invite the two to the same event or the same space, and introduce them as your mutual friend like you would with any other friend of yours. From there, if they’re a match, guess what? It will happen. If they’re not, then they probably won’t bother with each other, and there won’t have to be this awkward discussion about there not being a mutual interest. And for fuck’s sake, get off your high horse and get over your savior complex if you have one.

Dating Woes

This post is probably not going to be as entertaining or as humor-filled as my others. But whatever. The title of this blog is “Someone Had to Say it”, and not “I’m your personal retarded monkey to make you laugh”.

So let me first say I’m not going to be one of those mopey, bitchy people who whines about being single. I get SOOOO annoyed when I see singles making not so subtle hints about how they just can’t seem to ever find a good man (or woman if you’re into that : ). I am certain that people are single because they either choose to be, or because they won’t resolve issues that repels the right kind of people from entering their lives. It is impractical to think that the problem is the REST OF THE HUMAN POPULATION surrounding you. Remember that sad fuck at the party that everyone wanted to get to know and date? Neither do I.

Well, you’ve been single for over a decade so what does that say about you then?

Indeed I have. I’m certainly not perfect, and lord knows my stretch of singledom has spanned years due to my own issues of laziness about meeting people and other personal things I need to work out. I’m also pretty happy leading the single life. I firmly believe that if you are not happy being single then you’re doing it wrong.

So this post is about my biggest frustration with dating and meeting people, the few times I actually venture out and do it.

The biggest thing that I just CANNOT wrap my head around is why people will not tell you what they want. Either people cling to someone who THEY KNOW is not interested in them and pretend to be ok with it until it blows up, or they will string someone along that they have no intentions of ever dating. I’m usually pretty honest with people about what I want from them. I will flat out tell you from the beginning if I am interested in dating you, being friends with you, or just hooking up with you. So yes, when I meet a person and they try aiming for something other than what I say I am interested in without an adult conversation beforehand, I get pissed off and let them know.

AND EVERY…

…FUCKING

…TIME

when I call them out, they have the audacity to say that I am bitchy, or my favorite, “I don’t have time for drama.” No bitch, you’re just a pussy, and I had to be the one to grab a set of balls and be honest about the situation we’re in.

If I tell you that I am only interested in having fun and I tell you I do not want a relationshit with you, that doesn’t mean hold my hand, give me sweet kisses, and ask me if I’m seeing anyone else. I get that maybe what you want is more than what I’m willing to give you, and maybe that hurts. Trust me, I know. I’ve been on the other side of the exact same situation. However, if you’re in a situation that causes you pain, LEAVE IT. If you tell me that you want to end things because it’s not going in a direction you want, I’m ok with that. But that never happens. I end up having to be the one that grabs a set of balls for both of us and end it. I’m usually met with a lot of anger when this happens. But you know what? I did you a favor. I gave you a place to direct your anger and I did not leave you guessing. I could be like a lot of other guys out there and just be a pussy and stop returning your calls or texts with no explanation. But no. I’ve been in that situation myself plenty of times and I know it sucks. I try not to be what I hate, and I will give you a specific reason why I don’t want to see you anymore.

…unless I think you’re a complete asshole. In that case I’ll leave you guessing….asshole.

And to the other extreme, is when I tell you I am interested in dating. I get that apps like Grindr and Scruff are mostly for hookups. That’s why if I have a good conversation with you, and I think it could have the potential to be something more than a one night stand or friends, I will say, “I want to take you on a date.” OMG what could he possibly mean by this?! I don’t go on dates to potentially see if we can just be pals. I go on them because I saw potential for us to be something more than that. Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way I envisioned. One of my dearest friends for the past five years is a result of a date that did not develop further into a long-term relationship. However, there are some people who really disappoint me when they don’t want more, and it would be hurtful for me to settle for a watered down version of what I expected. I don’t harbor any ill will towards these people. I believe if it works out, great; if it doesn’t, then move on. But, I can’t always be, “Lah-Dee-Dah, I’m so glad I’m into you more than you are into me. I would love to be sidelined as a friend!” SO AGAIN, I grab the cojones and I tell these people, that I’m going to remove myself from the situation and block them. It’s nothing against them, I just know that for me to move on, I have to be away from the person. I’m telling them this so they don’t think I’m bitter and angry towards them. I am also careful in how I word it. I own up that I am the one with the issue and that I am doing this for me, and it’s nothing against them, but these guys always take it as if I just accused them of participating in a back alley abortion.

“OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SUCH DRAMA!”

No. Your discomfort with honesty does not equal drama. Drama would be if I kept clinging to a person who is not interested, or stringing someone along that is not interested in me.

But I thought we clicked! Why your hygiene is a cock block.

Over the years I have dated several people, and there are a few deal breakers in regard to hygiene that I just cannot get past. It usually ends up with me ignoring the guy after the first date, and not returning his calls. I know. I know. It’s a pussy move on my part, but most people are not worth the effort of an honest conversation, so it’s easier just to ignore them. Even though I’m speaking from the perspective of a gay man, I’m pretty sure this also applies to straight men, and my female friends can attest that they suffer from the same grievances. With that said, this is my PSA on why you’re probably getting ignored after a first date (assuming your game isn’t total shit).

YOUR HYGIENE SUCKS!

The biggest hygiene issue that I just can’t deal with is bad breath. Some people it’s medical. They have halitosis and you can even smell their breath from behind them. Since the affliction exists in their own throat, they never even know they have a condition, at least, not until someone breaks the news to them. I remember meeting a guy for dinner, and I tried doing most of the talking so he would shut the fuck up on behalf of my life. Every time he spoke it smelled like my dinner was farting its asshole into my face. So I ignored him afterwards. After a few days of him texting me and pleading for an explanation, I finally gave it to him. I told him his breath was vile. Now, you’d think he would say something along the lines of, “Oh thank you so much for being honest and having the balls to tell me. I’m so embarrassed!” Nope! He got all shitty about it. He said, “Well no one else has complained.” Yeah, ya dumb shit! No one is going to say it to your face. They’re all going to make fun of you behind your back. And for all you know, I could have told you something that just saved your life since your breath smells like you have a vital organ rotting inside you.

For the record, if I ever have shit breath, PLEASE let me know. I will seek out medical attention ASAP.

So my next deal breaker is a sneaky one. Imagine you met that smoking hot someone that you bring back to your place. You’re making out on the couch, and you decide to crank the sensual up a notch. You go to nibble on his ear a little when HOLY SHIT THERE’S A FUCKING ALIEN WORM CLAIMING HIS BODY AS A HOST in his ear. Abe Lincoln should not be able to do his homework by candlelight with your nasty earwax. CLEAN IT! I once ran across the room and grabbed a can of air…I mean…Isn’t that how you defeat The Blob? By freezing it?

The above two deal breakers might go unnoticed by the perpetrator. If someone tells you that you are not in accordance with good hygiene due to one of the above conditions, then apologize profusely and get a handle on that shit. This next one, however, is just pure goddamn laziness. Furthermore this is a growing issue. I’m seeing it with more and more guys. It repulses me to no end when a guy takes off his shoes, and SHHHHHHHHHK!! Wolverine’s claws come slashing out. Your toenail should not reach past the flesh of your toe. I have seen, on more than one occasion, where a guy’s toenails could get caught on the carpet. How can that shit possibly be comfortable?! Do they not catch on fabrics such as your socks and your sheets? I’m sorry, but there’s a reason why I don’t own cats. I paid too much money for my furniture to get fucked up by your disgustingly long toenails. What possible reason could there be for having such long toenails? Are you that much of a coke addict to where your pinky finger won’t suffice and you need an extra ten digits to snort from?

Next on the list are beards. I LOVE beards. Few things can kick up a man’s sex appeal a few notches like a beard can. With that said, WASH THAT SHIT! Daily. With soap and water. It is so disappointing to make out with someone for the first time, only to feel like your face is being shoved into the bottom of a chicken coop. You probably don’t smell it because it is on your face all the time and your sense of smell becomes immune. Trust me. Wash. Your. Face. My nuts should not smell fresher than your face does.

And while we’re on the topic of nuts. Before you ask someone to go down on you, make sure you go down on yourself first…with a washcloth. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m trying to keep it classy.