OMG Why are you alone? Let me introduce you to this really cute guy!

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage for the entire country. Since that unleashed a gay fuck-wave across the nation, JUST LIKE THE CONSERVATIVES SAID IT WOULD, I decided to join my kind for the night to see if I could meet my special someone on this historic night. Not really. I was going to head home after dinner with a couple of my BFFs, but then I heard amazing dance music, and thought, eh, I’ll go to the local joint and shake my ass for a bit.

For me, I don’t really like going to clubs to meet people. I’m weird in the fact that I usually like to go by myself and dance in a crowd of strangers. There is something about sharing in the collective energy of whatever awesome song is pumping that gives me a thrill. My ideal night out would ultimately look something like this (minus Neo and Trinity fucking in a cave above us):

I got there kind of early, so there was this awkward stage where I’m standing around waiting for the crowd to come in. I picked a quiet spot to stand and mind my own fucking business.

[ENTERS THE TRANNIE SAVIOR]

“OMG! Why are you here hiding by yourself?”

“I’m just hanging for a bit, waiting for the dance floor to fill up.”

“Are you here with someone?”

“No.”

(gasp) “Honey, what are you looking for? I’ll introduce you to people and help you find a man.”

Fuck. “I’m not really looking for anything. I just came here to hang for the hell of it…Seriously.”

“Oh, you have to meet my cute friend, and he’s single too! Hold on, let me go find him.”

The trannie swooshes away, and like the annoying bird that she is, she comes back with a worm dangling from her beak. Literally. This dude looked like a worm.

Here’s the thing. I’m a shallow bitch. I know this about myself. There are three people on earth I’m attracted to right now – the hot Brazilian that lives 723 feet away from me (+/- 30 ft accuracy), Dorian Pavus, and Marlon Teixeira:

Ok, Marlon’s a bit extreme, but I needed an excuse to look at him and link his photo into my blog.

So, it’s incredibly fucking over-the-top annoying when someone tries to hook me up with a friend of theirs. In fact, it’s flat out rude, because a) you’re making the assumption that I need saving when I don’t, and b) you’re assuming that you know what my incredibly personal tastes are in men. Do you go around spraying people with cologne you think they’ll like? Do you order someone a drink without asking them what they want? Do you just start painting someone’s house in what you think is their favorite color? No? Then fuck off, and don’t just assume you found the perfect match for me, when I’ve never even met or seen this person. It’s also rude to your friend. What if he wasn’t into me at all. Now he’s thrown into a situation he doesn’t want to be in either. I also find it degrading when people think that if I get thrown into a cage with their friend we’ll just start sniffing and mounting each other’s asses like dogs.

The dude started off nice, and we chatted for a bit, but I was not attracted to him at all. After the initial pleasantries, I was over it, but he kept lingering. Great, now I have to figure out a way to communicate I’m not interested without being a dick. I told him I was going to meet up with some friends on the dance floor. Nope. Didn’t work. He followed me out there. Tried to keep a hula hoop distance between us while dancing. Nope. Didn’t work. Finally met a familiar face I could talk to, and divert attention. Worked for a little bit, but ended up back-firing (I’ll get to that later).

In the meantime…

This girl approaches me and asks if I’m by myself. You’d think I learned my lesson by now and would just lie and say I have a BF, but nope, I’m a dumb shit.

“Oh, I have a friend over there that is adorable and single. I think you guys would make a cute couple.”

Seriously, what is making me a shit-magnet for all the saviors tonight? Do I have Carrie Bradshaw’s diary scrolling in a thought bubble over my head? I give a weak hint that I’m not interested, “I’m just hanging tonight with some friends.”

“My friend is really cute, he plays rugby.”

OOOOH! Why didn’t you say so? Let me just grab my ankles now. Thankfully, this chick had some modicum of emotional intelligence and finally picked up I wasn’t interested, and left me alone.

I dance for a few more songs. Meanwhile wormy dude is dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld while eye-fucking me. He goes for kiss one, and I dodge it. Goes for kiss two, and I dodge it as well. Finally, I have to gently push him away, and I tell him I need to head out. DUDE IS STILL CLUELESS, and tells me how much he enjoyed our night together. I give him the cold two pats on the back hug, and I’m just about to leave, when my acquaintance jumps in and says, “Hey, did you get each other’s numbers.”

My face…

I finally escaped. As I’m walking out the door, the trannie makes eye contact and tries to wave me down. I might or might not have run out of the club like I just robbed a bank…

~~~My Social Edict~~~

NEVER try to hook your friend up with someone on the fly. Ten times out of ten, it just leads to an awkward situation for your friend and the person you’re introducing him to. I am not saying you can’t introduce friends you think might be a match. That is fine when you do it in the correct way. How do you do it correctly? You don’t set the expectation for a date, or that you think they will be interested in one another. You invite the two to the same event or the same space, and introduce them as your mutual friend like you would with any other friend of yours. From there, if they’re a match, guess what? It will happen. If they’re not, then they probably won’t bother with each other, and there won’t have to be this awkward discussion about there not being a mutual interest. And for fuck’s sake, get off your high horse and get over your savior complex if you have one.