“But the Bible Says…”: Every argument you have against gay marriage is moronic and stupid (part 1)

So gay marriage is pretty much becoming a thing in the United States. The Supreme Court of the United States will hopefully make a final decision at the end of April 2015. It’s already legal in 37 states. As news arrives for each state that has succumbed to the “gay agenda” (whatever the fuck that is) the blogosphere erupts in a shit storm of posts for and against. This article is titled “part 1” because there is just soooooo much bullshit out there that I couldn’t possibly include it all in one essay.

Let us begin with the one that pisses me off the most: “But the Bible says…”

When I read a comment on any forum, I first scan for the words: God, Jesus, Bible, Our Lord Savior, His (with a capital h). If I see any of these mentioned as a fact in a post I immediately dismiss the person as a stupid asshole. A common example of this stupidity is, “I’m against it because the Bible states that marriage is between a man and a woman.”

….except that IT DOESN’T!

Here’s a thought. Why don’t you read the goddamn book you’re always thumping. Nowhere does Jesus turn to his followers and say, “Let it be known that marriage is only between a man and a woman.” In fact, Jesus never even mentioned homosexuality. You know what he did mention a lot of? All that liberal shit about loving your neighbor as you love yourself, helping the poor, judge not lest ye be judged….you know…the shit that gets tossed out the window any time a Bible-thumping Republican talks about immigration, foreign aid, welfare, or gay marriage.

Let’s just pretend for a minute that Jesus DID specifically say to his 12 bros and favorite fag hag, “Homosexuality is wrong and my other dad is going to cast them into the pits of Hell to burn for an eternity”. You mentioning that to me as fact equates to me saying something like, “My Fairy Godmother says that you being a bitch and making shit up is wrong; therefore, she will cast you into a pit of glitter and grind your fucking face in it for eternity.” Now, if I say that with faith and conviction does it make it real for you? Probably not. Just as your faith and conviction in whatever you believe does not make it real for me. The point being, just because you believe something strongly does not make it a fact that public policy should be based upon.

I’m not saying that you can’t believe what you want. It is your American right to believe whatever bullshit you wish. However, your belief in that bullshit should not govern the lives of others, and it absolutely has no place in our government.

/endfirstrant

So how ’bout that cock fight?

So those of you who know me, understand that one of my biggest pet peeves is random strangers asking me about goddamn sports. It happened again today. I went to a local deli, and all I wanted in life at that moment was to get my enormous turkey/bacon fresh made hoagie with extra mayo. I generally don’t like striking up conversations with random people. I just don’t see the point of it. Unless you’re someone I know already, chances are you’re probably someone I genuinely don’t care about. As hard as I try to paint RBF across my face, people still always want to strike up a conversation with me about pointless shit, specifically sports. The x on the diagram below indicates my level of care for sports:

X            Don’t care [————————————————–] Care

Holy shit that’s off the charts!!

To me, watching others play sports is like watching the elderly play shuffleboard. I’m sure they’re having a great time playing the game, but I’m not playing it, so why would I care? When I attended Florida State University back in 1999, I was in the marching band and our team was undefeated. While the rest of the band was psyched to play the goddamn war chant for the one hundred ninety millionth time, I was behind the bleachers eating nachos in the shade. I couldn’t tell you what went on during any of the games. When I looked out onto the field, all I saw were these muscle-bound gnomes fighting over a flea.

Anyway, back to today. I order my sandwich at the deli, and here we go, “Did you catch the Bruins game last night?”

Now I know you’re thinking, Why don’t you just tell him you didn’t see it! Here’s the thingI’ve tried that!  If I make up an excuse, it’s like the universe conspires to fuck with me until I have to confess I have no clue what you’re talking about. Because then they’ll start telling me blow by blow about the fucking game, or how it wasn’t as good or better than another game I didn’t give a shit about. Or they’ll ask me my opinion about how the Patriots will do in the World Series. You see my problem?!

So I’ve learned to just say, “I don’t really follow sports.” Then I get this look as if I just told the man that I like to put his wife’s underwear on my head when he’s not looking….followed by awkward silence. Now I feel guilty like I have to make the situation better, so I just say something like, “I’ve never even met your wife.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

PSA: STOP ASKING SKINNY GEEKS WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT THE GODDAMN GAME.

I don’t go around asking you if you saw the latest episode of Table Top, or if you watched the latest play by Faker in yesterday’s LCS match. Do you know why? Because those conversations would be awkward to the average Joe the Dumber. In fact, I don’t ask people SHIT unless I know them, because if I did, that would lead to assumptions. And we know what they say about assumptions: It makes a complete asshole out of you.