I grew up in a small redneck town in Floriduh. Most people, when they think of Florida, think of Miami or Key West or Disney World.
no no no….
I come from the central part of Florida that is pretty much southern Alabama. A lot of people in my hometown take pride in it. Why? I have no fucking clue. I hated it there. The first 18 years of my life, going to school with a bunch of rednecks and born again Christians, was miserable. In fact, I don’t think I truly started to develop my identity until I left for college. It was at Florida State University where I led a life of lies, sex, and booze and began to find my inner self. OK, it wasn’t that bad…I was too poor to have a life filled with booze. After five years of barely passing (no seriously, I needed a 78 on my final exam to get a C for my last course in order to graduate, and I got a 77.5 that rounded up), I did what any undisciplined young adult should do – apply to more school.
Out of the 10 law schools I applied to, one took a chance on me and accepted me. It was Thomas Jefferson School of Law in San Diego, CA. There, I was going to study international human rights law and become an advocate for humanity.
I flunked out after a year.
I think I told people some bullshit that I failed one test and the school kicked me because I was part-time, or I told people that I just didn’t like it and dropped out. No. I flunked out. You see, in that year I discovered I had super powers by night. This game called World of Warcraft launched, and it was my duty as a kick-ass restoration druid to help my online friends take on horrible monstrosities plaguing the world of Azeroth. Also during that year I joined protests against the Iraq war; I got drunk from Dr. Pepper mixed with Captain Morgan in a park with a friend after G.W. Bush was elected a second term; that same friend tried to teach me to drive a stick shift in the parking lot after we left the park; I traveled to Burmingham, AL; and I took road trips in the middle of the night with buds to Los Angeles, and Anaheim instead of going to class. I also missed Hurricane Charley that mowed down my hometown while I was at law school. Go me!
I was back in Floriduh working at the local hospital as an entry-level admissions clerk. It was probably one of my most depressing years. From the time I was in middle school until the time I graduated high school, all I dreamed of was leaving this community that made my life hell in school. I pretty much suppressed a significant portion of who I was during my youth to avoid giving people more ammo to shoot me with in the gossip trenches of Cow-Town, USA. After a life of sin and freedom for the past six years, I was now back in that setting. I felt my biggest fear growing up was about to become a reality – to be stuck in this town that always carried a connotation of judgement and intolerance for me. However, by the grace of God, the Universe, Luck, Allah, or who/whatever the fuck has my back out there, I had an opportunity presented to me that allowed me to secure a career and move out on my own again. As soon as I received my job offer, I packed whatever would fit in the trunk of my Hyundai Elantra and drove to Massachusetts.
Fast forward to today, and here I am starting a blog to continue chronicling my experiences and thoughts in my own awesomely twisted view.
P.S.: I want to clarify that my beef with my hometown is pretty much the mentality of the community, and doesn’t have anything to do with my family. My family has been completely supportive and loving of me my whole life. Without them, who knows where the hell I would be right now. I fear I might have ended up as a scandalous lover to one of Honey Boo Boo’s relatives.